


Not Here to Get me Through (It All)

by Wolvesta



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Based off a Lewis Capaldi Song, Based on real life person, Buck has different priorities now, Cancer, Character Death, Christopher Diaz is a National Treasure, Dad!Buck, For Me, I Wrote This For Me, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Jealous Eddie, Making Up, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, Multi, Post-Lawsuit (9-1-1 TV), Responsibility, Sad with a Happy Ending, Slow Build, Upsetting Issues, Wakes & Funerals, Whump, no beta we die like women
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-27
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:07:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 38,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23340688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wolvesta/pseuds/Wolvesta
Summary: Prompt: Buck sues because he needs the job back. Not because he misses his family or any of the OG reasons. He needs to have a steady income in order to support and take care of his goddaughter while her mom is battling cancer in the hospital. So he has the risk of losing custody of his goddaughter because he doesn’t have a job. He’s dealing with raising a kid by himself and he has to deal with potentially losing his best friend to cancer.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Firehouse 118 Crew, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Lena Bosko, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Original Character(s), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 112
Kudos: 690





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I let my guard down  
> And then you pulled the rug  
> I was getting used to Someone You Loved  
> -Lewis Capaldi

“I came as soon as they called!” Buck said as he sprinted into the room.

“Buck…” said the figure on the bed.

“Angela…what’s going on?” Buck asked, taking a seat next to the hospital bed.

“I started losing weight…like a lot of it, but I wasn’t actively losing it…I lost 20 pounds in a week. And my back as been killing me. So I came here to get checked out…”

“What is it?”

“It’s gotten worse…”

“Y-you mean the-?”

“Yea…radiation hasn’t been working…it’s stage 3 now” Buck feels his entire world stop at this.

“D-does this mean-?”

“I don’t know…they doctors d-don’t know how long I have. What am I going to tell Thea?” Angela then breaks down in tears and Buck is quick to pull her into a hug and she cries into him.

“You and I are the only ones Thea has…and if I don’t make it then-“ Angela breaks out in sobs again.

“Angela I’m so sorry”

“Buck no. Y-you’ve been an absolute godsend throughout this whole thing. You’ve been taking care of Thea this whole time for me. Thank you”

“Don’t you dare thank me. That’s my job, not only as her godfather but as your best friend.”

“Buck…if I don’t make it-“

“Angie don’t even think about that”

“Buck…this is stage 3 ovarian cancer. Women don’t come back from this most of the time”

“Angie-“

“I’m not giving up yet Buck. I’m not sure if I can beat this, but I’m not going to stop trying”

“And I’m going to be here for you and Thea no matter what”

“Enough about me…how’s work? Take my mind off of this”

“I don’t know about work right now Angie. I tried to apologize to them and explain why I did what I did. But everyone is pissed at me.”

“Oh Buck I’m so sorry”

“This isn’t your fault Angie. B-bobby is the reason that I can’t go back to being a firefighter. I get it…I do but I wish he just talked to me. Being a fire Marshall is all fine and dandy, but it doesn’t pay as well. I don’t spend that much money on myself, but now I have to think about Thea.”

“I told you that you are more than welcome to stay in my house for as long as you need”

“I know…and it’s great…but I miss you”

“Oh Buck I miss you too. I’m sorry I’m stuck in this hospital bed. I’d rather be at home with you and Thea”

“I know Angie, but we’re going to get through this ok?”

“I trust you with her, you know that right?”

“I do”

“No Buck…aside from Thea, you’re my family too. Since…the incident, you’ve been there for me. So…there’s no one in this entire universe, I trust more with my daughter than with you” Buck tears up when he hears Eddie’s voice mixing in with the words. Angie sees this and reaches over the hospital bed and hugs Buck.

“I love you, Buck, you’re my best friend and you complete my family”

“Love you too Angie”

{~}{~}

“Good night Thea, sweet dreams love,” Buck says quietly as he tucks her into her bed. He places a gentle kiss on her soft black hair and watches her as she falls asleep. Humming the tune that her mom always does. Once she falls asleep, he closes the door, turning on her night light and leaving the door open a little in case she needs him.

Once he is seated on the couch, he allows himself to break down. Everything is such a mess. He didn’t know that everything would go downhill so fast. He only sued Bobby, but apparently, that meant suing everyone that he works with. He wished he could have explained himself to his team. He was about to when the hearing was over, but the elevator closed on him when before he could say anything. He sighed as he thought about what Eddie said. Indeed, he didn’t think about Christopher, but it was only because he knew that he had Eddie. Buck had different responsibilities now, he had to take care of his goddaughter. She’s not even two, she doesn’t understand what’s going on.

Buck wipes his tears away, now is not the time for him to break down. Thea is going to need him now more than ever. If Angela doesn’t-. He shakes his head at this. He can’t think about that, not now. But he does and he finds himself crying. He can’t lose his long time best friend. She has been there since…forever. Angela was his rock since the bombing, Eddie visited, but it was never constant, Angela was there through it all. When Ali dumped him, after the tsunami, and during the lawsuit, she was there. He looks to the pictures along the wall and spots the picture someone took when Thea was born. He smiles in nostalgia as he thinks back to that day.

_“Knock knock” Buck quietly enters the room._

_“Hey there he is” Angela says from the bed_

_“How my favorite girl?” Buck asks, placing the **It’s A Girl** balloon next to the bed. _

_“I can’t be your favorite anymore…because you’re going to have a new favorite. Buck…meet Theodosia Caplan” Angela looks to the baby in her arms “Theodosia…meet Buck, he’s your godfather, you’re going to love him. And he always smells like the forest” Angela looks up to Buck when he lets out a small laugh and sees him tearing up._

_“M-me? Are you serious Angie?” Buck asks, wiping his tears._

_“There’s no one I would trust more than you. Do you want to hold her?” Buck nods yes and sits next to the bed. The nurse who is in the room instructs Buck on how to hold her properly. When the nurse places Thea in Buck’s arms, he tears up again._

_“She’s perfect Angie…oh my god hello” He looks down at the tiny face and chokes back a sob when the baby opens her eyes. “She has green eyes…she’s perfect. Hi there Theodosia, I’m your godfather…I’ll protect you with everything that I am” Buck looks at the camera that the nurse is holding._

{~}{~}

_Buck turned down the money._

But now that he is shopping for groceries, he wishes he took at least some of it. Food for children is so expensive, he knows he could always make his own, but he doesn’t want to mess it up. He’s trying his very best to stick to what Angela would do, he doesn’t want to throw off Thea’s routine. To avoid thinking about what could happen, he researched what to do for children. He isn’t sure when Angela is going to get better, but he’s determined to the very best guardian until then.

He’s in the middle of debating which baby food he should buy when his text message notification goes off. He opens the message and sees if it’s from Bobby. Buck sighs, he has no time for this, but since they both have iPhones, Bobby will see that he already read the message.

_Team Meeting at Rage Ground tonight at 7_

Buck shakes his head at this. As much as he wants to go, he can’t. He can’t allow himself to be with the team when Thea and Angela need him at home. So he texts Bobby saying he can’t make it and pockets his phone. Finally deciding on the banana puree and crackers as a snack.

As he pays for the food, he remembers that he hadn’t bought any groceries for himself. He checks his bank account and sees that he only has enough for this month's rent. So he shakes his head, thanks to the cashier and leaves the store. When he gets to his car, he hears laughing and when he looks to the side, he sees Lena and Eddie walking into the store together. A pang of longing passes through him before shaking it off.

_Not now Buckley. You have more important things to take care of_

He reminds himself as he piles the groceries in the car and drives to Angela’s house.

It’s a surprise when he unlocks the door and he sees Thea playing on the ground. He panics because he knows he left her at the daycare, but he calms when he sees Angela in the kitchen.

“Hey Buck, thanks for the grocery run”

“W-what are you doing here? I thought you were in the hospital” Buck says placing the bags on the table.

“I checked myself out, I want to spend as much time as I can with Thea before the surgery” And Buck does understand, but it doesn’t mean he has to like it. “Which reminds me, you can go Buck. I can handle one night with Thea”

“A-are you sure? Cause I don’t mind staying”

“Come on Buck, I’ve been Thea’s mom for one and a half years, I got this”

“You call me if you need anything ok?”

“Yea I will now go. Get out and have some fun” Angela practically pushes him out of the house.

Buck texts Bobby again, saying that never mind, he can make it.

{~}{~}

“Hey where’s Eddie?” Buck asks in the middle of the session. He takes off his mask and eternally berates himself for asking. While this session is helping a lot, he shouldn’t be concerned about where Eddie is. Yes, a small part of him is curious and worried, but the rest of him that cares for Angela and Thea overpowers him. Lena answers him.

“He had somewhere to be” He nods at this and the timer on the wall goes off. Indicating that their hours are over. Buck takes his gear off and hands it to the employees behind the counter.

“Buck” Bobby calls to him from behind and he turns to face him.

“Hey Bobby, thanks for letting me come out, but I have to go and-“

“You’re getting a call tomorrow from the Chief. You’re being reinstated to active duty. The city gave me the option of transferring you to a different station...I declined.”

“W-wow thanks, Bobby. You won’t regret it” Buck says, only to hurry cup this conversation. He has to get home.

“You might. My house, my rules. Remember that” And Buck can’t help the chill that runs down his spine when Bobby says this.

_It can’t be that bad_

{~}{~}

_It was really bad._

Almost an entire month had gone by since his return and things haven’t been getting easier. At home nor the station. Everything was awkward, with Bobby, Eddie, and the others on the team. Halloween passed and things were still not getting any better. He tried his best to reconcile with Eddie, but he turned him down cold. When walking into the station, anyone could see the tension between the team. Even Maddie noticed, and when she asked, Buck waved her off, saying that he was fine.

Because he had to be, Angela was getting worse, spending more and more days at the hospital than at home. His medical bills are piling up, so are Angela's and Thea’s daycare. He's been running himself ragged, in between going to the hospital to visit Angela, to picking Thea up from daycare. In between, he has not had the time to visit Christopher, and it leaves him feeling guilty inside. Eddie keeps pushing and pushing him to come to visit, but he can’t he has to go home.

“Buck” Eddie calls from behind him in the locker room.

“Yes?”

“Christopher misses you. He keeps asking when you are coming around?” Buck hesitates, he’s about to tell him that he can’t come. But he gets a text, Angela says that her neighbor has volunteered to watch Thea for a few hours and Buck feels his heartbreak. He knew he should not have told Angela about the situation with Eddie but bless her heart.

“I-I’m free tonight and-“

“Fine come over then,” Eddie says and Buck is left confused. He looks at his watch and sees that it’s 6:30. He can spare a little while. It’s until Christopher goes to bed, which is usually around 8:30.

{~}{~}

Buck is pacing back and forth in the kitchen. It’s now midnight and Eddie still isn’t back. He doesn’t have time for this, he needs to get home and pick up Thea. The neighbor is texting him, wondering where he is. Buck explains as best he can and reminds himself to pay them extra. Buck tempts at calling Eddie again, but he knows he’s going to be left on voicemail again. He sighs as he slumps into the chair of the kitchen. He resorts to bouncing his leg up and down, anxiety taking over him every second.

“Come on Eddie…where the fuck are you?” Half of Buck worries about Eddie’s safety, hoping that he didn’t get into a car accident. The other half pissed that Eddie didn’t even tell him where he was going. Was he going out on a date? Was he out partying? In the rage room? Buck doesn’t know, and a selfish part of him doesn’t care.

In another life, in another universe, maybe he would have cared. But he needs to sort out where his priorities lie. And right now, they are with Thea and Angela. She had instantly supported his decision to pursuing the lawsuit. And he thanked his lucky stars that he had her support because, without her, he wouldn’t have had anyone else. They’ve been there for each other since grade school in Hershey. Becoming solid friends once they hit junior high. Buck smiles as he remembers the day she came out to him, and he, in turn, dared to come out to her.

_They had been inseparable since that day_

Buck is shaken out of these thoughts when he hears the sounds of grunting from down the hall.

“Buck?”

“Hey bud, what are doing up?” Buck asks sliding down to his level and picking Christopher up, who is without his crutches.

“Bathroom…” he says quietly and Buck takes him there. Chris comes out a few minutes later and he looks tired again.

“Back to bed?” Chris nods against his shoulder and Buck quietly takes him back to his bedroom and gently tucks him back into bed. Using the same tenderness as he always does.

“Buck…why don’t you come more? Is it me?” Chris asks and Buck’s heart breaks at this.

“No kiddo. It’s not you, I promise it’s not. It’s me, something is going on at home, and it’s taking all of my time.”

“What’s wrong?” Buck hesitates, not knowing how to tell this kid who has another part of his heart that his best friend is dying.

“My best friend, not your dad, she’s sick. She’s really sick, and she needs help around the house. So I’ve been helping her out”

“So you’re a hero?”

“I don’t think that’s the right word for it kiddo. But that’s why I haven’t been around lately, I’m sorry if you think I’ve been neglecting you. I promise I’ll try harder to see you ok?”

“Love you, Buck. You’re my hero too. I hope your friend feels better” Chris says as he drifts off to sleep.

“Me too kiddo…me too”

* * *

Thanks for reading! Feel Free to comment!

Come visit me on my [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/chitownwolf)!

Dedicated to my Aunt Karen who passed away from stage 4 ovarian cancer and stage 1 breast cancer. I miss and love everyday ❤️


	2. Chapter 2

Buck walks into work the next day with a sore back and dark circles under his eyes. He barely got to sleep last night. Picking up Thea at 1:30 then getting home around 2. Waking Thea up at 7:00 to get her to daycare in time for his 8:00 shift. He feels exhaustion seeping into his bones as he puts his stuff in his locker. He yawns and gives a big stretch, hearing the cracks and kinks come out of his back.

“Christ…are you ok?” Asks from a voice from behind him and he sees that its Lena.

“Yea I’m fine. Just been a rough couple of weeks” Buck says and Lena nods her head. She looks like she’s about to say something else, but then Eddie walks into the station, rubbing his nose and blinking the sleep out of his eyes. Buck can’t help but eye the bruise on Eddie’s arm.

“Damn what happened to you?” Buck asks before he can stop himself.

“Nothing you need to concern yourself with” is all Eddie says before walking away. Buck sees a knowing look pass in Lena’s eyes and before he can ask what’s going on, the bell rings. Since he’s still not allowed on calls, he sticks behind to do his chores. He looks to where Eddie is hand Lena her coat before getting into the truck. Does she spare a…sympathetic? Glance to Buck and he finds himself ignoring it. He doesn’t need anyone’s pity, he just needs to get through the day before he can go pick up Thea. His shift ends at 6:00 today and he hopes that traffic is on his side. He wants to pick up Thea and visit Angela in the hospital.

As much as he hates to do it, he has to go. Angela has been slowly losing more and more weight, and it alarms Buck to see her so small and skinny. Angela’s always been the strong one, but now the roles are reversed, and he has to be the strong one now. If not for himself, then for them. He looks on his phone and sees a picture of Angela and Thea playing on the beach. It was taken about 1 month before the tsunami, and Angela looks healthy and…happy.

_Do it for her_

_Do it for her_

_Do it for them_

Is the mantra he has to remind himself constantly. He wants to run away, he wants to sleep, he wants to quit…but he can’t because he loves them too much to do that to him. Buck feels close to breaking…he just hopes that Thea doesn’t see him when it happens. He’s in the middle of sweeping when he hears the truck pull in, and soon he hears the crew coming up the stairs. He looks up from where he is sweeping and they all take a seat at the table he just cleaned. Chim and Hen seem to be aware of the clean table because when they pour themselves water, they use the coasters on the table. Eddie and Bobby seem oblivious to it, too engrossed in their conversation. He’s about to go downstairs, or anywhere that’s away from the loft, to get away from the aching loneliness that is burning through him when he sees that no one is including him. He puts the broom back in the corner and is about to walk down the stairs when he hears Hen speak.

“So who’s Angie?” Buck then freezes because how in the hell does she know about Angela? He turns to Hen and sees her holding up his phone with a notification from Angela.

“Give me my phone,” Buck says and he hates how defensive he sounds because that suddenly gets everyone’s attention.

“You’re avoiding the question Buckaroo,” Chim says in a playful manner. Buck would have relaxed at this tone, but now? He finds himself tensing instantly.

“Just give me my phone…please” Buck asks again and Hen gives it back, after rolling her eyes.

“Is she your new girlfriend?” Hen asks again, not giving up.

“No, she’s just a friend”

“A _friend_ who’s wondering what time you’ll be at her house tonight,” Hen says again and Buck fixes her a baffled look. “I read the message”

“You had no right to do that” Buck says and he can see how taken aback Hen is when he says this. He also can see Bobby looking at them, getting ready to get up and stop the fight that may or may not happen.

“You’re right. But seriously, just wondering who she is” Hen says in a more gentle tone.

“She’s just a friend…a really good one” Buck adds before going down the stairs.

{~}{~}

Buck drives Angie and Thea to the hospital on a Sunday morning. Angie is scheduled to have a hysterectomy tomorrow afternoon, and the doctors want her admitted a day early to do one more round of chemo. Buck parks the car and takes Angie out of her car seat and he carries her along with Angie’s supply bag on his shoulders as he walks to the front of the hospital entrance. Buck finds himself in a familiar plastic chair, waiting for Angie to be settled in by the doctors. A while later, a nurse comes to collect Buck and they coo at Thea.

“You have an adorable daughter” Thea isn’t his daughter, but deep down in his heart, he knows that Thea is as close as a daughter as he’s going to get, so he simply thanks the nurse and walks into Angie’s room.

“There they are,” Angie says in the bed.

“Mm-mama!” Thea says and Buck freezes. He looks to Thea and back to Angie, the same shocked look on both their faces.

“You heard that right?” Buck asked and Angie nodded, still in shock. Buck slowly hands Thea to her mom and she speaks again.

“Mama,” Thea says again and this time, both adults smile and coo.

“Was that her first official word?” Buck asked and Angie nods happily.

“That’s right Thea…I’m your mommy. And that’s Buck…can you say, _Buck?”_ Angie points to where Buck is sitting and Thea looks to him.

“Buh…Buh!” Thea says, smiling and clapping.

“Close enough sweetheart…close enough” Buck smiles at the baby and softly kisses her cheek. He would never tell her, but he cherishes these little moments between the Caplan’s and himself. It makes him feel like he’s part of a family, like he’s loved…like he belongs. He hasn’t had that from the 118 in a long time. Two months have gone by since his return, and he was just barely getting by. Everyone ignores him, and he’s treated like an outsider…it would be a lie to say that this isolation isn’t hurting him. But he can’t acknowledge the hurt because he has more important things to worry about. He doesn’t have time to think about his place on a team that might not want him anymore. Buck knows if he can just explain why he did what he did, then maybe they would understand. But he finds it harder and harder to keep going on every day, pretending he isn’t hurt when all he wants to do is scream.

Because something like cancer shouldn’t be happening to someone like Angela. She never did anything to hurt anyone. Never did anything bad, so why did it choose her?

_But cancer doesn’t care…_

That’s what he finds out when Angie told him that day. Buck forces himself to be in the present, not wanting to drift off in the past. He doesn’t want to miss these moments with Angie. He fears that she might not have long if this surgery doesn’t work.

It’s something he hates to think about. Because what in the world would he do without Angie?

{~}{~}

It’s Monday and Angie is on the phone with Buck, about to go into surgery.

“Ok…I will. You’re going to be fine love. I promise I’ll be there…ok. I love you, Angela, don’t forget that ok?” Buck wipes the stray tear as he hangs up the phone. He turns around and almost drops his phone when he sees the team staring at him.

“Oh…hey guys. Didn’t hear you come up…” Buck says awkwardly as he tries to leave.

“So it’s gotten that serious huh?” Eddie asks as he takes a seat at the table.

“What? N-no that’s not it-“ Buck tries to defend but is cut off by Bobby.

“Buck you know the rules, no phones unless it’s an emergency”

“That was an emergency!” Buck says and Bobby raises his eyebrow.

“Telling your girlfriend that you love her isn’t an emergency”

“She’s not my girlfriend!” Buck says back, raising his voice because seriously.

“Buck, it’s ok to not have a label on it. I’m just glad that you’re getting out there again” Chim says and Buck groans because again..seriously?!

“One, that’s not what’s happening here and two, what business is it of yours?” Buck is getting defensive again.

“We’re just curious Buck” Chim tries to defend.

“Well stop being curious” Buck says in a tone on finality and he turns to go down the stairs before he says something he regrets. He finds himself at the gym downstairs, in front of the punching bag. He’s trying to release all of his feelings into doing this because he will not lose it in front of Angie nor Thea. He keeps punching the bag when he feels a presence behind him. He ignores it for a bit, then the presence goes in front of him and he sees it’s Lena.

“What?” Buck asks when she doesn’t say anything.

“You ok?” Buck delivers one last hard punch to the bag and stops. His shoulders drop and he sighs.

“No…a lot is going on right now…”

“Angie?”

“Is a friend…”

“So you say, and that’s fine. But you said that it was an emergency…is everything ok?” Lena asks and Buck tilts his head at her intentions. Lena doesn’t talk to him very much, and it was usually when she needed some help. There was an underlying respect for each other, nothing more than the tilt of the head as they pass by each other in the station.

“Why do you care?” Buck asks after a minute and Lena looks down for a second.

“I know the walk of someone who is about to break. Who has too much weight on their shoulders, when the world is falling apart around them…”

“How?”

“Before my dad died…he had the same walk. I couldn’t help him, but if you need someone to talk to…I’m here” Lena offers and Buck is surprised because this is something he never knew. But to be fair, Eddie probably knew, since they were so attached at the hip now.

“Angie is getting a hysterectomy today…and I’m just worried…really worried. Her health isn’t the best right now and doctors say this is the last option. So I’m just praying it works” Lena’s eyes widen a fraction at this and she nods in understanding.

“That sounds rough…is there anything I can do?”

“I don’t think so…but thanks for the offer” Buck says, hoping to end the conversation because he seriously can’t think about this right now.

“I’m here if you need anything,” she says before walking away. Buck watches her go up the stairs and he can see Eddie hesitantly coming down the stairs. Heading straight for him.

“Hey…” Eddie says hesitantly, scratching the back of his neck. As he brings his arm up, Buck’s heart pangs when he sees a new bruise forming on his bicep. His shirt doing a poor job of hiding it.

“Hey…” Buck says back and fuck since when has it become so hard to talk to Eddie?

“Listen, I’m sorry…I didn’t mean to insult your…girlfriend that way” Eddie grits out the word girlfriend and Buck tilts his head, wondering why Eddie said it like that. Eddie should know that he is the one that Buck loves, but with everything going on…he can’t act on his feelings. Not yet.

“It’s fine”

“No, it isn’t…I was up all night with Chris. But that’s no excuse…I’m sorry” Eddie seemed genuine, but Buck doesn’t know if he’s honest.

“It’s fine Eddie-“ Is all Buck can say before the alarm rings. Eddie gives Buck an apologetic look before he runs to the firetruck.

{~}{~}

Buck is sitting at the table, looking at the phone in anticipation. He’s watching for Angie to call him, she should be getting out of surgery soon. He knows that Bobby would yell at him if he saw him on the phone, but right now he doesn’t care. He hears the truck pull in again and he prepares himself for the interrogation. What he isn’t prepared for is the rest of the team and Athena come up to the loft.

“Buck!” Maddie calls out to him and he rushes to give her a hug. “I thought you disappeared! You haven’t answered any of my texts in a while”

“Sorry Maddie…I’ve been busy”

“With his new girlfriend!” Chim adds from the table and he can see Lena cringe from the corner of his eyes. He groans and facepalms into the table.

“What’s this about a girlfriend?” Athena asks, suddenly intrigued, but Buck doesn’t have time to defend his relationship to Angie.

“It’s nothing, Athena. They saw a photo of a woman on my phone and they _assumed_ she’s my new girlfriend…which she isn’t!” He says louder to Chim and Hen.

“Buck it’s good to know that you’re dating. When did you meet her?” Since this isn’t going anywhere, he might as well explain a little back story.

“We started hanging out a little more than two months ago” Which isn’t a complete lie. Angie got her diagnosis about two weeks before the lawsuit, and that’s when Buck started to spend more nights at the Caplan’s house rather than his own.

“Two months ago was the lawsuit…does _she_ know our personal information too?” Eddie’s mention of the lawsuit cuts through the calm atmosphere like a sword and everyone instantly tenses.

“She has _nothing_ to do with the lawsuit” Buck gets defense because she’s the whole reason he even sued in the first place.

“I think she has everything to do with the lawsuit since it seems that you didn’t care what it would do to us”

“First off, I never sued _you_ or anyone else in this room. It was _only_ Bobby because _he_ is the reason I couldn’t come back. I need this job Eddie, and no one in this room understands why. Why in the hell are you so pissed at me? It doesn’t concern you” He can see that Hen and Chim cringe back at this, but he can’t find himself to care. He keeps looking at his phone, waiting for that ringtone.

“Because you’re exhausting! We all have our own problems but you don’t see us whining about it. Somehow we just manage to suck it up…we can’t you?”

“Isn’t that a little harsh? I mean he didn’t ask to be under a firetruck” Chim offered, trying to diffuse the situation.

“No but he filed a stupid lawsuit and I couldn’t talk to him because of it. Do you know how much Christopher missed you? How could you? You weren’t around” Eddie shakes his head.

“I know he did. And Eddie I never wanted him to miss me like that. But I didn’t have time to worry about him, because I knew he had you!” Buck is starting to get frustrated, all of the emotions he had been holding in for the past three months beginning to come out. “I love your son, you know that Eddie but I didn’t think I needed to worry about him because he had and should have you! Chris has his aunt, his grandma, Carla and you! I don’t have the time to worry!”

“So this girlfriend is more important to you than me-my son?!” Buck notices the slip-up but he doesn’t have the energy to call him out on it.

“Of course not! Everyone is equally important, but I have different priorities now-“

“Having a girlfriend isn’t a priority”

“No but having a-“ Buck stops himself. He doesn’t want to reveal any information about Angie and Thea. “Wait why can’t you see my side of this?!”

“Cause that’s all you see!”

“Well excuse me for trying to think of someone other than myself!” Buck practically yelled at Eddie. If they could just give him five minutes to explain, then they would know the real reason for the lawsuit. He didn’t sue them because he didn’t trust them, he wasn’t trying to cause tension between them all, but he needs his job back. For a number of reasons, but there was a new reason, one that was more important than the family he swore to protect. There’s someone else now, but he fears that they won’t understand. So he doesn’t say anything at all.

“The only people you claim to care about are right here! And because of what you did, it shows that you don’t!” Eddie gets in his face again and it’s taking all of Buck’s strength not to flinch. He doesn’t have time for this, he wants to apologize and explain but since that isn’t happening, he has other things to do.

“God Eddie this isn’t about you or anyone in this loft! I have people to think about now and-“

“Chris is the one you should be thinking about! You know how much he misses you?” Eddie shakes his head in disbelief.

“How in the fuck would I know if he misses me if you haven’t been talking to me?! Today, right here…right now is the first time you’ve actually talked to me since the tsunami. You stopped dropping him off, so I thought, I can return to light duty. I thought I was in the clear until I get better or until the chief finds out I’m ready. But then I find out that BOBBY” Buck points to his captain for emphasis “is the reason for me not coming back. I need this job. Don’t you get that?! I NEED to work because-“ Buck gets cut off when his phone starts ringing. He lunges for his phone and almost drops it in the process.

“Hello?!” Buck practically screams into the phone.

…

“Oh thank god!” Buck slumps into the nearby chair. Relief that Angie pulled through. “Ok…thank you. I’ll be there as soon as I can Angie. Don’t worry, I’ll handle it. Bye” Buck lets out a sigh of relief, but it’s short-lived when he sees the angry faces of the people around him. Athena and Maddie excluded who are confused about what’s going on.

“She’s ok?” Lena steps forward to ask and Buck nods since she knows of the surgery.

“Yea…she pulled through,” Buck says, feeling exhaustion but mostly relief seeping through him. He tries to push it down when he sees the angry look on Eddie’s face. Before anyone can say anything, the alarm rings, signaling to the team to get to work. Eddie sends Buck a look and leaves down the stairs.

“Glad she’s ok!” Lena says before following the crew

“Buck, what’s going on?” Athena asks.

“Angie…or Angela was getting an important surgery and I’ve been waiting on the call to know whether she made it or not. She made it”

“Oh, Buck I’m glad. So when am I going to meet this girlfriend of yours?”

“Again, she’s not my girlfriend, but maybe soon. My shift is over and I promised I would go see her.”

“Buck…I can see that you’re stressed. And if you say she’s not her girlfriend, then she’s not. Please take care of yourself, Buck, if not for me, then for this Angela. Ok?”

“I will”

“And please call me if you need anything at all ok?”

“Ok”

{~}{~}

Buck flinch at the bright light when he flips the switch in the bathroom. He looks in the mirror and hates what he sees. His face is swollen and blotchy with dried tear tracks on his cheeks. He rubs the crust out of his eyes and sighs. He sighs as he turns on the shower, he reaches for his razor but decides he doesn’t have the energy to shave his growing scruff.

As he climbs in the shower, the hot water doing wonders for his aching muscles. He climbs out of the shower and sighs as it did help, but it did nothing to wash away the mess of emotions in his head. Angie has to go have another surgery. The doctors underestimated the growth of cancer and it spread to other parts of her reproductive system. Buck stops when he remembers their conversation.

_Buck is walking down the corridor of the hospital with Thea in his arms, while she’s barely learning to walk, he wants to see Angie as soon as he can. So he carries Thea to the room and gently peaks inside._

_“There’s my baby…and Thea!” Buck gives a fake gasp._

_“Just for that, I won’t give you Thea,” Buck says mockingly and still places her at the end of the bed and lets her crawl up to where her mom is._

_“How’d it go?” Buck asks and he feels his heart sink when Angie’s face falls and doesn’t answer right away. “Angie?”_

_“They could only remove half of my system…they underestimated how much the cancer spread, so I have to get another surgery tomorrow so they can remove the rest of it” she says, tears welling up in her eyes._

_“Angie…” Buck looks down, not wanting her to see him cry, he’ll hold it in until he gets home._

_“It’s ok Buck”_

_“No it’s not…I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want Thea to grow up without you. What am I going to do without you?”_

_“You’ll make it…look how far you’ve come”_

_“That’s all thanks to you! You’re the reason I’m still here. We’ve been through so much together…it can’t be over”_

_“It won’t be I-“_

_“Angela Caplan please don’t make that promise”_

_“Hey, look at me” Buck hesitantly looks to her and she gently cups his face. “Everything is going to be ok, no matter what happens. You’re going to be ok”_

_“Angie” Buck shutters in tears and he allows himself to break…just a little. “I can’t…I can’t do this without you”_

_“I love you Buck, and I believe in you. I’ll always believe in you”_

_“I love you too Angie” She brings him in for a hug and he stays there until visiting hours are over._

He sheds a tear thinking about how he left Thea with her overnight, wanting to spend the night with her. Buck has the day off, so he goes ready and goes to the hospital to pick up Thea. He slowly pulls into the hospital, mentally preparing himself to see Angie.

_Maybe for the last-_

Buck shakes his head, clearing the thoughts away. He can’t think like that right now, Angie as survived worse, she can do this. Buck checks in the front desk and the nurse behind the counter points to the room they moved her into. Buck steady himself as he gently knocks on the door. Angie is asleep but Thea is playing on her mom’s chest. She turns to the noise and smiles at the sight of her godfather.

“Buh!” Buck quickly but quietly picks Thea up from where she is starting to bounce. Not wanting to wake Angie up, he makes his way over and picks her up.

“Hi there, lovely. Did you have fun with mom?” She squeals in delight and it, unfortunately, is loud enough to wake Angie.

“Hey Buck,” she says and Buck tells himself it the exhaustion and not the weakness that the surgery and chemo are doing to her body.

“Hey there Angie”

“What time is it?”

“A little after 10:30”

“My surgery is at 10:45, let me hold my baby for a bit. She always calms me down” Buck quietly hands over Thea and she resumes playing. Buck sits down and Angie instantly grabs his hand. He looks to her and doesn’t say anything. Because what is he supposed to say to his life long best friend that he may or may not see again? He comes back to the present when he feels a kiss on his cheek. Thea is staring at him with those beautiful green eyes and he instantly feels better. He gives her a tiny raspberry against her small cheek and she laughs. Having fun with the two adults in her life.

“Do you remember when she saw herself in the mirror for the first time?” Angie asked looking at Thea and Buck nodded.

“She freaked out and started hitting the mirror” Buck laughs at the memory and so does Angie.

“Remember when she heard a firetruck for the first time? I dropped you off at the station then the sirens rang and she looks so surprised” they laugh again and begin spending the time passing and exchanging fond memories of each other.

“Remember that night I told you I was pregnant? You looked so mad…and I was mad too”

“You didn’t deserve that”

“No…I may have lost my dignity that day, but I got an amazing daughter out of it…and I got you. I got this family and I’m grateful for every minute of it” The moment is interrupted when the nurse knocks to come and collect Angie for the surgery.

“Take good care of Thea while I’m gone ok? I’ll see you soon” Buck bends down to give Angie a hug and he holds it for a moment, taking in her small frame for a moment before she kisses him on the cheek and then Thea. “I love you both” she waves and gives a smile to both of them until the elevator doors are closed.

{~}{~}

“Buck?” Hen asks as Chim and her turn the corner

“Yea especially him,” Chim says as he looks for the next ingredient on the list.

“No Buck.” Hen says as she points out the man down the aisle. Buck looks over to the side and is about to go back to his business but then sees it’s Hen and Chim.

“Oh fuck me…” Buck says lowly and is about to leave and go to another aisle when Bobby, Eddie, and Lena come up on the other side, blocking his exit. “Damn it…um hey guys” Buck says nervously, not really expecting to run into his team on his day off. He’s only here shopping for Angie and he hoped to get in and out quick.

“What are you doing here?” Bobby asks, an unimpressed look in his eyes and he sees the same one in Eddie’s.

“What business if it of yours? I’m here getting groceries like you are” Bobby’s eyes raise in the attitude but doesn’t say anything.

“8 miles from your house?” Asks a smiling Chim. Looking up at the speakers playing the hits of the current time.

_**I'm going under and this time I fear there's no one to save me** _

**_This all or nothing really got a way of driving me crazy_ **

**_I need somebody to heal_ **

“I’m only here cause it’s by the hospital. I’m not shopping for me, I’m getting stuff for Angie” Buck elects to ignore Eddie’s groan.

“So you playing house for her now?” Eddie asks and Lena gives him a look while smacking his back.

“Jesus Christ what the fuck is your problem Eddie?” Buck turns on Eddie instantly, his patience wearing thin after all this time.

“Seems like you have time for her but not for Christopher. I see where your priorities lie” Eddie rolls his eyes as he crosses him arms.

_**Somebody to know** _

**_Somebody to have_ **

**_Somebody to hold_ **

**_It's easy to say_ **

“This again? Eddie…” Buck pinches his eyes in frustration at his lack of understanding “You don’t understand!” He yells frustrated and it takes everyone aback at his tone. “I have so much going on that I don’t have time to think about anyone else. I barely remembered that it was Maddie’s birthday last week before Angie reminded me. I’ve been running around half out of my mind dealing with Angie and helping her with what I can because that’s what friends are supposed to do so back the fuck off!” Buck practically screams at Eddie, no longer caring that he is attracting the attention of other customers in the store. Everyone is silent because they have no idea what to say next, luckily they won’t have to because Buck’s phone rings.

_**But it’s never the same** _

**_I guess I kinda liked the way you numbed all the pain_ **

“Hello?” Buck answers the phone not knowing who is calling.

…

“Yes, this is he”

…

_**Now the day bleeds** _

**_Into nightfall_ **

“Yes, I am the emergency contact for Angela Caplan” Buck feels anxiety pooling in his gut and his heart rate picking up. He hopes that this call is the one where Angela makes it. He forces himself to listen to what the person on the other line says and what they said next, broke him. He drops the shopping basket he’s holding in his hands and he backs into the shelves. He brings his hand up to his mouth to try and silence the sobs coming from him.

“O-ok thank you. I’ll be there soon” Buck forces himself to say in a composed manner and after he hangs up the phone, he breaks. Tears are coming out of his eyes faster than he can wipe them away. He looks up and tries to compose himself but that fails and he sobs again. He can hear the other calling for him, but he doesn’t hear what they are saying. He deflates as he thinks about Angie and Thea- fuck!

He sobs harder as he thinks about how even though he lost someone important, he’s going to have to take care of Thea now. But she doesn’t even know about her mom yet, she’s so young. She might grow up thinking her mom abandoned her, but it’s not true. What if Thea forgets her mom? What if she hates her for not trying harder?

_What will he do without her?_

“Buck? You ok?” Someone asks and no he’s not ok! How can he be? He just lost his best friend. But they don’t know that, so he doesn’t say anything. He wipes his tears, straightens his back and walks past the group, letting a few tears out in the process. He ignores their reaching hands and their calls to come back.

_He’s alone in this fight_

_**And you're not here** _

**_To get me through it all_ **

**_I let my guard down_ **

**_And then you pulled the rug_ **

**_I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved_ **

* * *

Thanks for reading! Feel Free to comment!

Come visit me on my [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/chitownwolf)!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: this is going to hurt!

Buck didn’t know how he did it, but he found himself approaching his car after walking out of the grocery store. He made it to the driver’s side before he collapsed next to it.

_She’s gone…she’s really gone_

And now the only thing he has to remember her is Thea. God...her daughter just lost her mother and she doesn’t even know it. How does he tell her? How does his goddaughter that something that was out of their control took her mom? He didn’t even get to say goodbye…at least a verbal one. The nurse on the phone said to come to the hospital to collect her things and sign the death certificate. That thought sends a hard jolt of pain and heartbreak through his heart. He just lost his best friend and now he has to take care of Thea forever. He was already prepared to do so when Angie got sick, but now that she’s gone…what is he supposed to do now? He has to go through so many legal things now. Has to locate her will, let her daycare know about her mother, enroll her preschool once she’s old enough…but before that he has to find a daycare closer to his station.

Can he even be a firefighter anymore? What if he goes on a shift and he doesn’t make it? How is Thea going to be taken care of if no one knows that she’s at home? Angie’s parents don’t care…and the biological father, whoever he is, doesn’t care. Who will take care of her? As he spirals further and further into his mind, he feels a presence next to him. He hesitantly raises his head and sees Lena looking at him with eyes that held no judgment, just concern.

“She…s-s-she…she didn’t-“ Buck is unable to finish but Lena nods in understanding.

“I’m so sorry for your loss Buck” Lena says and Buck can tell that she means it. Lena raises her arm and after some hesitation on his behalf, he sinks into her side. Lena says nothing as she rubs a hand up and down his back. After a moment of this, he pulls out of the half embrace and clears his throat.

“I-thank you but I have to go to the hospital now…I-I have to…god there’s so much to do”

“Stop, take a breath. I’ll drive you to the hospital, let’s go”

“W-wait, what about your shift?”

“Was over anyway, come on”

{~}{~}

Buck makes out a few words in the haze that he is stuck in. The doctor is explaining to him all of the things that happened during the surgery, but Buck doesn’t hear any of it. Only that there were complications and Angie was gone because of it. Buck is told that because she was an organ donor, they already took out her organs after she was declared legally dead. This wasn’t news to Buck though, he knew that all she wanted to do was help people, and even in death, she did. The doctor leads Buck to a room and he stops when he sees Angie lying on the hospital bed.

_She looks like she’s sleeping…_

The doctor leaves to give a few minutes alone to say goodbye. Buck slowly walks up to where Angie is, and he hesitantly puts his hand on hers. He breaks when he feels how cold she is. He collapses against the side of the bed and he cries for her. After a few moments, he stands up and he looks at her again.

“God…I never thought this day would come. How am I going to live without you? You’ve been there for me since Maddie left. I don’t know how to be a person without you. It’s always just been us against the world” Buck stops to wipe the tears out of his eyes with his palms. “I promise…” Buck places his hand on hers again “-I promise I’ll raise Thea as you would have, and I promise I’m going to become someone you can be proud of” Buck cries out quietly, tears blurring his vision again. “I love you Angela Caplan…don’t forget about us” Buck whispers in her ear, hoping that wherever she is, it reaches her. He places a hesitant kiss on her cold forehead as a goodbye. He shakily leaves the room. Giving her one last look as nurses come in and take her away.

“Mr. Buckley? We need you to sign a few papers whenever you’re ready” a nurse says from behind him and Buck nods after a moment. He signs the appropriate papers and he finds himself in his car with a bag full of her valuables. It was her clothes, her phone, wallet, and a note. He isn’t sure what it is, but he’ll check it all over later. He feels the tears drying on his face and knows he needs to get himself together. The first thing is first…pick up Thea and take her home.

Home…God how is he supposed to set foot in a house that wasn’t even his? He doesn’t want to remove Thea from a house that’s been hers since she was born. She’s been growing up in the house, but Buck knows that Angie’s house it too full of memories. At least for him, does he not renew his lease and move in there? Or does he sell her house? There are so many questions…there’s so much to do.

_And he doesn’t even know where to start…_

{~}{~}

_He doesn’t know who he’s supposed to talk to…_

Her parents don’t care, neither do his. Does he call Maddie? Athena? Carla? He can’t call anyone from his team…maybe Lena? She was nice enough to drop him off at the hospital, and she offered to go inside with him, but he needed to do this alone. He goes to the daycare, tells the owner of the facility what happened, they offer their condolences, and he leaves with Thea bouncing in his arms. He carefully straps her to her car seat, and they drive home, tears still sliding down his face. He pulls up to Angie’s house before he knows it and Thea is on the floor playing. Oblivious to the situation right now. Buck sniffed and goes to the bathroom to splash some water on his face.

He looks a little bit more put together as he dries off his face. He searches through Angie’s medicine cabinet and finds drops to relieve the itching in his eyes. He hears the doorbell ring and he pulls himself together because he doesn’t know who is at the door. He opens the door and comes face to face with a man and a woman in professional-looking attire.

“Hi, can I help you?” Buck asks.

“Are you Evan Buckley?”

“Yes”

“Hello, my name is Olivia and I’m here on behalf of Angela Caplan. May I come in?” Buck nods and steps out of the way to allow her inside. Shutting the door and picking up Thea who is making a grabby motion to Buck. He leads her to the kitchen and offers coffee. He sits Thea in her high-chair and places a few baby crackers in the tray while he prepares the coffee. He places the coffee cups in front of her along with the cream and sugar. While she is busy fixing her coffee, Buck asks.

“I’m sorry if I come off as rude…but…who are you?” Buck asks and Olivia waves him off.

“I am actually a lawyer, and I’m here to discuss the will of Angela Caplan. She listed you as someone to talk to” Olivia says and then Buck is suddenly overwhelmed because he hadn’t even thought about her will and funerals.

“Wow…um-I’m sorry I just got a little overwhelmed…sorry” Buck says as he pinches his head and sighs.

“I understand, and that’s what I’m here for. I’ll help you with every step of the way”

“I-I thought I was supposed to come to an office…to discuss a will”

“Normally yes, but Angela requested a home visit. Reasons are unknown but something about making it easier for you” Olivia says as she pulls out papers from her bag. “Now according to her will, Angela states that you, Evan Buckley, will be the sole guardian for one Theodosia Caplan. Now I am legally inclined to ask, are you able to do this?” Olivia asks and Buck doesn’t even hesitate to say yes. Olivia nods at this.

“Now that you’ve given me verbal confirmation, I need you to sign this indicating that Theodosia will now be under your legal care” Buck nods and doesn’t hesitate to sign. “Now that custody is taken care of, it’s time to go over the rest of her will” Olivia and Buck then spent the next hour going over Angela’s will with a fine-tooth comb.

It went a little like this: Angela has paid off her house in full, already asked a lawyer to inform her employers, her bank, and volunteer organizations about her death, and requested cremation. Buck nods when he hears about her want to be cremated, he remembers another one of their deep conversations.

_“Honestly just cut my organs out and toss my body in the river for all I care”_

_“Be serious Angie…”_

_“Ok…honestly, I think I would want to be cremated. You know I hate bugs so I wouldn’t want one crawling in and out of my body. Just cremate me and spread my ashes”_

“Since time is sensitive during this time, I recommend meeting with a cremation company to arrange for Angela. Here it states that Angela already has everything arranged, they just need your signature.”

“Ok…um. Do you know how much this is going to cost? Cause I’ll need to start saving and-“

“Do not worry about finances, it seems that Angela took care of costs, has a company picked out, and already purchased an urn. It looks like you just need to sign. Here are all the paperwork and essential contact information for the company” Olivia hands over the papers and Buck feels a little bit of weight come off of his shoulders. Leave it to Angela to take care of everything and be prepared for anything. They finish up and Olivia gives Buck a business card, telling him to contact her if any problems arise.

“Oh and this was instructed to be given to you after I present the will” Olivia produces a flash drive and Buck takes it as Olivia takes her leave. Buck closes the door and sighs against it. The day beginning to take it toll on him and it’s not even 5:00. He goes to the kitchen at the sound of Thea’s high sounds.

“Hey lovely” Buck says tiredly as he picks her up. Thea, sensing his mood change leans her head against his shoulder to make herself comfortable there. “Thanks, Thea” he says quietly as he gives her a kiss on the side of the head. He heads to her room, changes her diaper, and sits her down in the high chair while he prepares the banana puree. Buck smiles a little when he thinks about how Angie took care of everything for him, seems like she was four steps ahead of him, like always. But he frowns at the idea that she doesn’t want a funeral, while he understands that she’s never been one to want attention, something doesn’t sit right. But it’s written in her will, and he will honor her wishes.

He hears the doorbell ring again and he wasn’t expecting visitors again. He picks up Thea as he goes to the door and comes face to face with the social worker.

“Hello Mr. Buckley”

“Hi Cameron. Buck is fine, thank you” He says as he steps aside to let them in.

“I heard about Angela, I’m sorry for your loss”

“Thank you. I was just about to feed Thea if you want to come to the kitchen” Cameron nods as they follow Buck who sits Thea down and makes airplane motions to get her to eat. She smiles as yellow mush drips down her chin. Buck gently wipes it away with her bib.

“Sorry to drop in like this unexpectedly, but you know how it is…I am sorry for your loss” says Cameron and buck can hear the sincerity in their voice.

“Thank you…I know it’s going to be hard, but I’m going to do my absolute best” Buck says, a little but if confidence seeping through his voice.

“This will just be quick. I’m checking in with you before I take my leave for good. How’s the job now?”

“Good. I’ve been back for about a month now and everything is good” _it’s a lie…everything isn’t ok at the station but what they don’t know won’t hurt them._

“So the income has improved since the last time we spoke?”

“Yes” Buck answers and he thinks back to when they first spoke. Cameron told Buck that if he didn’t get a better job, then CPS would have no choice but to take Thea into foster care. So he called that lawyer, but look where it got him. The only reason he sued was to get his job back, he couldn’t let them take Thea to God knows where.

“Good, good” The social worker then asks some more questions before going to do a house inspection. Thea then starts to babble from her chair, and Buck can’t help but smile. He wipes her mouth and picks her up to burp her.

“Well, everything looks good from this end. I understand that Angela left official adoption papers for you to sign.”

“Yes, I already signed those with the lawyer” Buck says and Cameron nods.

“Thank you for letting me know, here is a card in case you have any questions, but from here on out, Thea will permanently be in your care,” Cameron says as they close the door. Buck waits until they got into their car and that’s when he sobs and slumps against the door. All of the emotions of the day are coming out, and he cries until it hurts. He tries to be silent, so as not to scare Thea, but he can’t stop.

_Where does he go from here?_

Buck hears some movement in front of him and he sees Thea holding out a picture in front of him.

“Oh! Thank you lovely” His sniffs as he reaches forward to gently take the picture from her tiny hands, trying to stop the shaking. It’s a simple picture, just a sloppy heart, but it gives Buck a little bit of hope.

_“Whenever I feel hopeless, I just look at her. And I know everything will be ok”_

He remembers what Angela said to him a long time ago, when Thea was still a newborn and Angie was still grieving.

“It’s beautiful Thea”

“Mama?” Thea asks innocently and just like that, the moment is gone. “Mama?” His heart lurches in pain when he thinks about this, how was he supposed to tell Thea that her mom is gone? How does he explain death to someone who isn’t even one yet? She’s just a kid, she shouldn’t have to go through this so soon! But Buck sniffs and opens his arms as Thea sits in between his crossed legs. She reaches up to wipe the tear that is lingering on his face.

“T-thea, y-your mom...sh-she’s gone.”

“Buck suppresses a flinch at the confusion in her face, because as much as he wants it to be true.

_She’s never coming home_

_“_ Thea…your mom is not coming back” Buck manages to get out without his voice breaking, but he lets out some more tears when Thea tilts her head in confusion again, silently asking _why?_ It’s a simple question really, but Buck, for the life of him as no idea what to say here.

“Ho-ney” Buck’s voice breaks as he tries to think of a way to explain things that someone her age can understand. “Y-you may not understand it now, but you will later. But your mommy was sick, and she couldn’t fight anymore. But she loved you more than anything in this whole world, you were her world” Buck says as he tucks a tucks her bangs back. “Your mommy went somewhere far away, and we won’t see her for a long time. But that doesn’t mean she isn’t with you. She’ll be with you always, right here” Buck says as he points a finger to where her heart is. At this, Thea nods as she lifts her arms up and Buck pulls her close for a hug. He squeezes her tight without hurting her. He sniffs and sighs, knowing that he has to pull himself together for Thea.

_Do it for her_

{~}{~}

Buck walks into work the next day and he is instantly greeted by Lena, who pulls him over to the side to talk out of earshot.

“Everything ok? I-I mean I know what happened but…is there anything I can do?”

“Not really…I had to say goodbye to her, and then not even two hours later, I had to sign the papers saying that she’s mine now…I-I haven’t even had a minute to breathe. I had to sign the papers, a-and then arrange her cremation, and talk to the social worker and I-“ Buck covered his eyes, trying to keep the tears from falling down and he ends up backing into the wall and sliding down. Like yesterday, Lena takes a seat next to him and lets him get his emotions under control.

“I-I had to explain to Thea why h-her mom isn’t coming back” Buck says before letting out a shaky broken exhale. Lena simply puts a hand on his shoulder, but he appreciates it nonetheless.

“I’m sorry man, that sounds tough. Is there anything I can do to help?” She asks

“Actually, d-do you know a daycare close to here? Her current one is in the opposite direction of the station, and I want her to be closer in case-“ Buck begins but then ends by shrugging. Lena then nods.

“I’ll ask around”

“W-wait, you don’t have to-“

“Just let me help lighten the load, Buck. You are going through a lot right now, and I know Thea needs you, so don’t be afraid to ask me anything ok?” Lena says, not breaking eye contact, and Buck does feel a bit lighter than yesterday, but not a lot.

“Thank you”

“Of course, please let me know if there’s anything I can do ok?” Lena says before the bell rings since Buck is still benched, he waves to Lena and ignores the look on Eddie’s face when they exit the room at the same time. When the truck leaves, he takes out his phone and texts the daycare center that Thea is at. He knows that she is safe there, but he can’t help but feel protective of her. He then sees someone text him a picture of her stacking some blocks with some other kids. He smiles and pockets the phone, determined to get through the rest of the day.

_Do it for her_

{~}{~}

“Here” says someone from behind him. He looks up from mopping and sees Lena holding out some pamphlets. He takes them in confusion. “These are six daycare centers within a ten mile radius. This one is the closest to the station and has an outdoor recreation area for kids 9-12 months and a great stimuli area. This one has a nice view of LA, however, they do not require vaccine forms when enrolling, so who knows if every kid is up to date. The rest have standard play areas and other necessities. Pick the one you think is best” Lena says as she points to each different pamphlet and Buck feels his eyes well up in tears, but he blinks them away fast.

“Thank you so much. T-this is-“ Buck tries but she holds up a hand.

“It’s no trouble at all Buck. Listen, this is my last shift before I return to the 136, but here is my phone number. _Please,_ do not hesitate to call or text me if you need anything. I’m here for you man, if you need a break, a babysitter, or even need to get out let me know. You don’t need to do this by yourself, you have the rest of them” Lena says and Buck feels torn.

“I get what you’re trying to say, I do but I can’t go to them. Not after the-“

“I don’t mean the ones from the team, I meant the rest of them. Their significant others, and me, and that woman that Eddie talks to…Carla? You have her, don’t run yourself into the ground. I’m here for you” Lena says confidently and Buck sighs as he takes in the information, it’s been a long day, and he still hasn’t had time to process things.

“T-thanks Lena, I really appreciate it. Y-you have no idea how much this means to me.”

“Don’t worry about it, and please don’t forget to take care of yourself ok? I’m off, I’ll see you later” Lean bids farewell and Buck is left alone in the locker room again. He puts the pamphlets safely away in his duffle bag and attempts to make his way out of the locker room but is stopped by Hen, who has the posture of a woman on a mission.

“Hey Buck” Hen says casually, but Buck feels like this anything but casual.

“Hey Hen, what’s up? Did I miss a spot?”

“No, nothing like that. It’s just that I’m here to come to get you for food, Cap made pasta” Hen says and Buck’s stomach grumbles at the thought of food.

“Ok” Buck says, pocketing his phone before going to exit the room, but is stopped by Hen.

“Wait Buck, is everything ok?”

“What do you mean?” Buck asks, not really wanting this conversation right now.

“That day in the grocery store, you got a call and then you were crying. I texted you but you didn’t respond…is everything ok?” Hen asks and Buck sees the genuine concern in her eyes, but he can’t bring himself to tell her the truth…at least not all of it.

“N-no, not really…” Buck takes a seat on the bench to brace himself, Hen takes a seat next to him. “I-I got some bad news that day…m-my oldest friend passed away in surgery,” Buck says as he feels the emotions hit him, the tears building in his eyes, but he only allows a few to fall, pushing the rest of the sadness down.

“Buck…”

“They told me that they would see me after the surgery, and I didn’t want to be stuck in that hospital, so I went grocery shopping, then I saw you there. That’s when I got the call…” Buck says, barely keeping a steady voice. He leans into Hen’s side when she brings her arm up, he knows that he shouldn’t be doing this, but he needs someone. And he doesn’t want to bother anyone else, but he sags in sadness as she rubs his back. “And you want to know the worst part? I didn’t even get to say goodbye” Buck sobs out and he leans forward to hide his eyes behind his hands.

“…I wish I had the right words, right now Buck, but just know I care.” Hen says simply because she is at a loss of what to say here. Buck always knows what to say when someone is feeling down, but now that Buck is the one that is hurting?

“Thanks…that means a lot”

“Did they have any family?” And Buck’s thoughts shift to Thea, but he doesn’t say her name.

“Nope…it’s just been me” Hen doesn’t know what to do…when did talking to Buck become difficult? Instead of saying something else, she turns him and pulls him in for a hug. He is tense for a second before relaxing and gripping her shirt like a lifeline. He tries to hold in his cries, but Hen tightens her hold a little.

"It's ok to feel this way Buck...it's not your fault”

“I hate feeling this way…”

“You’re allowed to feel and be exactly as you are because this is your experience and no one else’s. It’s ok to miss them every day for the rest of your life. Knowing that they’re gone…that feeling can be so hard to be ok with. But I’m here for you ok? So go ahead and do what you need to do to grieve. I’m so sorry you went through this” Hen says as she feels a tear go down her face. She can practically feel the sadness and pain coming off of Buck in waves.

“Cancer really fucking sucks” Buck says in between sobs and Hen has to suppress the gasp that is threatening to escape her throat. She didn’t know that what his friend was suffering from, and while she had no experience with cancer nor anyone she knows to have cancer, she saw what it did to those around her. And even then, she didn’t know what to do nor say, so she simply held Buck as he cried.

Once they subsided, they squeezed him before disappearing into another room for a moment. She came back with a cold hand towel for Buck to put against his face and a water bottle. The cold liquid soothes his sore throat and the compress feels nice against his red blotchy skin. He downs the rest of the water bottle before throwing it in the trash.

“Do you want to eat something?” Hen asks, pointing to the upstairs loft and he forgot that why she’s here in the first place.

“Y-yea…but I can’t face everyone right now, I don’t want them to see me like this”

“Ok then…wait right here.” Hen says before going up the stairs. He takes the time to compose himself, flipping the cold compress to press to his skin. He doesn’t know why he seems to trust Hen more than the others…she is the one that had no problem with him from the start, she even gave him a cupcake. But his mind supplies him with all the time she has teased him about him and Angela, but he knows that if he asks her to stop then she will. He then hears her enter the room again with various plates. She straddles the bench and places a plate of pasta with a fruit bowl next to him and some more water.

“Since you don’t want to go up there for food, I brought some here for you” Hen says handing him a fork. He takes it and slowly takes a bite of the pasta on the plate. After he swallows the first bite, he perks up a little before grabbing some more small pieces.

Hen looks up and smiles as he slowly eats the pasta off of his plate, but it fades when she sees his eyes brighten with tears. He continues to silently eat, not caring that the tears are falling into his food. His swallows his last fork of pasta before his dam breaks again. He hides his eyes behind his clenched fists, rubbing at his eyes. The tears fall faster before he can wipe them away. Hen moves the plates out of the way before scooting forward and placing a hand on his shoulder again.

“It’s hard to grow up, isn’t it?” Hen asks and Buck sobs harder at this.

“I-I’m sor-“ Buck is cut off when Hen gently grips his face.

“You have _nothing_ to be sorry for Buck. You can cry as long as you need to, I know you’re feeling overwhelmed and sad, it’s ok to cry.” Hen says gently, she can feel Buck’s lips trembling next to her palm, she gently wipes the tears away to not irritate his skin.

“She was my best friend” Hen pauses at the pronoun _she,_ but doesn’t say anything, she simply holds Buck as he cries for his lost friend. Hen won’t push, she’ll be here when he’s ready.

_For now, she just holds him tightly, her heart hurting on the fact that something so awful happened to someone as bright and good as Buck_

{~}{~}

Buck carefully opens his eyes after he shuts off his alarm, he has the day off today, but he wishes it was under better circumstances. He doesn’t want to get out of bed today, but he knows he has to. He carefully turns over to see Thea sleeping comfortably under her favorite purple blanket. He tries to smile as he strokes her cheek, trying to find some good in the inevitably bad day he’s going to have. There was a thunderstorm last night that scared Thea, she wouldn’t calm down unless she slept in the bed. Buck quietly stretches out his back, which is sore from sleeping on the wrong side of the bed.

_He prefers to sleep on the left side…the right side was Angela’s._

_He can’t sleep on her side yet, especially when he feels like a stranger in the bed._

He sighs as he rubs the sleep out of his eyes as he gets up to get ready for the day. After showering and putting on half of his clothes, he goes to get Thea when he hears her crying in the next room.

“Oh my goodness…good morning my love” Buck says softly as he picks her up and holds her out. She gives a big yawn, but looks happy as she looks to Buck, if only he can be that happy. He goes through the motions of getting her ready for the day, feeding her breakfast, changing her diaper, and getting her dressed. He smiles as she fiddles with the white lace on her red dress. It’s her only dress and she is wearing it for the first time. Buck’s smile drops as he thinks as to why she is wearing this dress. Sensing the mood change, Thea turns around and requests to be picked up. Buck lets out a soft chuckle as he picks her up and holds her close.

I love you Thea…so much” Buck knows that Thea doesn’t understand all the words he’s saying right now, but she tilts her head when he says he loves her. She smiles and bounces in his arms when he gives his a gentle kiss on her forehead before hiding his eyes in her wild but curly brown hair. He sighs deeply before putting her down to finish getting dressed. He sighs as he sees his appearance in the mirror, he shakes it off and puts Thea in her car seat basket before safely strapping her in. He puts on some piano music like Angie used to do, so she can stay calm during the ride.

He considers texting someone, but he knows that no one would want to come anyway. Not to something like this, plus everyone else is busy with their lives and jobs to come to something like this. He sets Thea down in her basket, attaching his phone to the basket as she watches a baby stimulation video. He sighs as he looks around the room, he recognizes a few of the people. Mostly people from where Angie’s school where she used to work. They come and offer their condolences, and Buck goes through the motions of thanking them for coming.

People go up and share stories of Angela Caplan and how she changes their lives. Making everyone smile when she talked to them, how she made them feel important, even for a few minutes, and when it was Buck’s turn to go, he found that he couldn’t get up there…not in front of people who were practically strangers.

_But everyone understood perfectly_

The manager of the funeral home told everyone that it was time to go, but he gave Buck a look saying that he could stay longer if he wishes. Buck sighs as he thinks about how she didn’t want a funeral...but this technically wasn’t a funeral...it was a final viewing before she is cremated. When the room was empty, he turns back to see Angela in the casket. He hesitantly walks up to the front, his legs are like cement with every step he takes. And when he opens his eyes to look down at Angela, he collapses into its side. He tries, but he can’t keep the tears in anymore. He cries until it hurts his chest and his muscles in his face, just like he did in the hospital.

“I’m sorry Angie…I’m so sorry” Buck sobs as he looks up at her from where he’s kneeling. He places his hands on hers but freezes when he feels how cold she is again. Angie was never cold, that’s why he loved getting her hugs, because she was always warm and it made him feel safe.

“It just looks like you’re sleeping…I wish you would just wake up. I-I don’t know what I’m doing…I’m so scared Angie, I don’t know what to do” Buck sobs out as tears drop down to the carpet under his feet. “I think they were right about me…that I can’t do anything right. And no matter how hard I try, it won’t ever be good enough” Buck wipes at his eyes, trying to clear his vision, desperate to see Angie for as long as he can.

“I-I don’t know if I’m doing to do right by you. I know you entrusted me with Thea…but she’s so little, and I’m so scared that she won’t remember you. And if she doesn’t…then I failed you. I don’t think I can bare to fail you. So I’m going to do my hardest to take care of her, just like you would have” but says as he wipes his eyes again. This time standing up when he sees the ushers are here to take her away. He picks up Thea who is looking curiously at the one who was once her mom. She tilts her head in confusion but she turns and snuggles into Buck, seeming to understand what’s happening. Buck sniffs as he looks to Angela one last time.

“I love you with all my heart, Angela Caplan…and I will never forget you. I’ll see you in the next life” Buck says through teary eyes and wobbling lips as he leans down to place a kiss on her cold forehead. Tears hitting her face as he leans up and takes a step back. The ushers take that as their cue to take her into another room.

“Goodbye…” Buck sits down on the chair that is closest to him. He closes his eyes as more tears seem to be making their way out of him and on to the ground. He sniffs and looks at Thea, who is looking back at him with confusion. She doesn’t seem to understand why he’s sad, so she stops nibbling on her cracker and holds it up to Buck. Who manages a teary smile at Thea’s antics, he playfully nibbles at her extending hand, who coos in delight. Buck sighs sadly as he pulls Thea closer to him, closes his eyes and taking in her familiar scent. Even as he silently cries, he finds hope growing in his chest when he sees Thea laughing without a care in the world. He plays with her for a while, and everything seems good again.

_At least until he’s handed an urn, full of the remains of someone he wished was still alive_

* * *

Thanks for reading! Feel Free to comment!

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	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: Depression

He had taken the rest of the week to tour several nearby daycares. And he had narrowed it down to two potential places…and while both of them were great, He had his eye on the nearest one to the station. It had big rooms with less than 15 kids in a room with more caretakers, nice areas to play outside, and it even had a garden where basic horticulture is shown, and Thea’s potential class has a pet. Two emotional service dogs where they can help caretakers calm children down if one of them cries for their parent. Buck smiled when the tour guide (Katie) told him this, Angie had always talked about getting Thea a dog, to show her some responsibility and to show her how to be kind to others. Buck’s smile fades hen he thinks how Angie can’t be here, but he brushes it off when they reach the end of the tour.

“Do you have any questions for us?”

“This place is amazing, it really is but…how much is it going to cost?” Anything in LA us expensive, but he can’t even imagine how much raising a child is. He got a small idea with Chris and Eddie, but this is different. The woman lays out some papers and shows how much it would usually cost, and it’s more than he can afford. He internally groans at this, he hoped to not have run into this problem.

“Is there a problem?”

“Not really…it’s just that it’s more than I can afford and-“

“We have discounts for first responders, so we can factor that in. And we offer financial aid for those experiencing extenuating circumstances” Buck sighs then explains the situation as best he can without tearing up and he can see the sympathy in the woman’s eyes, but he doesn’t need it. He just wants what is best for Thea.

“Well, I will have to talk to my legal and accounting teams, but I think we can get out at least 20% off of normal tuition. And because you are a first responder, we offer late services as well, just call to give us a heads up. I can maybe…maybe get you more of a discount if it is ok with you that I explain the situation?” Buck listens and he thinks about his options, this is the best care for Thea.

“I just want my Thea to be looked after. I promised her mom that I would do everything I could to protect and take care of her, so that’s what I’m going to do”

“As I said, I can talk to my team and we can arrange something. This must be hard on you, and we will do everything we can in order to give Thea a safe space and make it affordable.” She holds out her hand for Buck to shake, but something is still holding him back, this was an amazing place for Thea to be looked after, not only will Buck not need to worry, but it’s more than he can afford, even with the possible discount, it might be more than he can afford, but he needs to do this.

_He can always pick up extra shifts._

“Deal,” Buck says as they shake hands.

“Excellent, my legal team will be in touch, and starting next week, you can bring Thea here. But before you go, let’s get some paperwork done.” It’s simple stuff really: name, address, ethnicity, emergency contact, along with other important papers.”

“So when you bring Thea, please bring a copy of these documents and she will officially be enrolled in this daycare”

“Thank you so much”

“Of course Mr. Buckley. See you soon” Buck picks up Thea from where she is playing in the mud. He shakes his head and smiles, knowing she will need an extra long bath tonight. He stops and looks to where the sun is beginning to set, showing off the purple, red, and orange radiants in the sky. And as Buck buckles Thea into her car seat, he would like to think that Angie is looking out for them.

“Thanks, Angie,” Buck says quietly and is met with a wind gently blowing in his direction.

{~}{~}

While he was searching for daycares, he was at work, and that went by without so many mishaps. While he was still stuck on chore duty, he figures that Hen must have told Bobby about his loss because every time he would come into work, his chores would become less and less on the list. And when he would look up Bobby, he would get a sad look? Maybe sympathy? Buck doesn’t know, but he doesn’t care to find out. Hen must have also talked to Chim because he wasn’t bothering him about Angie or anything else anymore.

_The one person he can’t seem to pin is Eddie._

Ever since his breakdown in the grocery store, it looked like Eddie had been avoiding him, but he wasn’t sure why. He wants to go approach him and ask him why he is avoiding him, but every time he’s in Eddie’s vicinity, he tenses and looks so wound up, that Buck is afraid that Eddie might snap if he says or does the wrong thing. He wants to ask so many questions, like how’s Christopher, how’s his life, or why the hell he comes to work with bruises?

_When did it become difficult to talk to your best friend?_

While it isn’t perfect, it is becoming more and more bearable now that Hen is talking to him every day. She did before, but it feels different somehow. She’s there when he gets to the station and bids him farewell while sending him home with some food. Telling him to call her if he needs anything at all. And he smiles at her, pretending everything is ok…because what else can he do?

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_Some days are good, and some days are bad._

The good days are when he gets up and it doesn’t feel like the world is on his shoulders. He gets up, showers and does his morning yoga to stretch out his leg and Thea watches curiously, trying and failing to mimic her Buck. He smiles when she tries to copy _downward facing dog_ but only gets as far as staying upright for a few seconds before falling over. When she doesn’t try to copy him, she watches curiously as he stretches out before getting them both ready for the day. He brushes his teeth and then tries to do her hair, but he has absolutely no idea what to do, and he knows that her usual hair day is coming up. But Angie always took care of it and kept it nice and curly, wild, but tamed at the same time. Buck had watched before, but he never really knew what to do…maybe he can call someone for help in that department.

The bad days are when he feels like he can’t do anything right. He lies in bed, even when Thea starts to cry, he doesn’t get up immediately to go see what she needs. Instead, every part of his mind and body is telling him to leave things alone and just sink into the bed, just to let the world go by. But when those thoughts go through his head, he hates himself for it. Because the moment he thinks about giving up, he thinks about how Thea will lose both of her only parental figures in her life. And he can’t fail Thea nor Angela like that, not again.

So when he wakes up and feels a bad day is coming, he forces himself to get up and go to Thea’s room. She has tears running down her face and her cheeks are red after crying so much. Buck had been ten minutes late in getting up, though he has a shift later in the day, he hates himself for ruining their schedule. He knows how important it is for a baby to stick to a schedule, so he picks her up and hugs her close. Her crying stopping almost as soon as she hears Buck’s heart.

“I’m sorry…I’m so sorry little one” Buck whispers as he holds her and ends up sliding down the wall, curling into a ball with Thea against his chest. She seems to sense something is wrong, so she curls into Buck’s shoulders.

“Buck is so sorry sweetheart. I don’t mean to throw off our schedules…” Buck says as he sighs. He opens his eyes when he feels a tiny poke on his cheek. He sees Thea looking at him with curiosity, but she’s poking his cheek with her finger, it makes him smile.

“I think I miss your mommy a little more today, but that isn’t your fault honey. I promise” He says as he strokes a gentle hand down her wild untamed hair, he needs to read on how to handle this type of hair. Buck sees that Thea sags a little at the mention of her mom, and he thinks that she knows what happened, even if it’s not the whole thing.

“Do you want to see my favorite video of mommy? This is when she was seven months pregnant with you, and she was playing her ukulele to you” Buck searches for said video and presses play and shows Thea, who looks fascinated by all the colors.

_“Buck, what are you doing?” Angela asks through the speaker._

_“I knew I’d find you out here”_

_“Just practicing…music is powerful little one,” Angela says before putting a hand on her very enlarged belly. “It can speak to our souls if we are really affected by it. Sometimes it can get you up and dancing, or sometimes it can make you feel better when you’re down.”_

_“Your mom is right kiddo. A good song can really wrap people up in a mood that words alone can’t.”_

_“I’ve been working on a new song myself. It’s about a really specific feeling that’s hard to describe. Would you like to hear it, my love?” Angela asks and then smiles and laughs._

“You may not know this Thea, but you kicked. You answered her” Buck says as Thea is relaxing at the familiar voice.

_“Ok…but it’s still a work in progress” Angela strikes a few cords on her ukulele as she clears her throat._

_**Come along with me** _

**_And the butterflies and bees_ **

**_We can wander through the forest_ **

**_And do so as we please_ **

_**Come along with me** _

**_To a cliff under a tree_ **

**_Where we can gaze upon the water_ **

**_As an everlasting dream_ **

_**All of my collections** _

**_I'll share them all with you_ **

**_I'll be here for you always_ **

**_And always be with you_ **

_Angela then gestures for the phone and the camera is shaky for a while before it settles on her profile_.

Buck pauses the video, knowing exactly what she’s going to say next. He feels sad as he knows that she never did finish that song, but he smiles as he’s grateful that he got to hear it in the first place. Sometime in the future, he’ll show the remaining part of the video, and maybe he’ll have the courage to see what is in the flash drive that he still hasn’t taken out of the hospital bag, the note too. But right now, he has to resist the urge to breakdown at the fact that it’s been too long since Buck had heard Angie’s singing voice. He loved listening to her sing, besides the fact that she did music and singing for a living, he felt special listening to her trying to master a song on her ukulele. It’s still tucked safely in its case, and he hopes that one day Thea will find an interest in it. He sighs as he hugs Thea close for another moment, tears building in his eyes when she grips his shirt.

“We’re going to get through this together Theodosia…I promise I won’t let anything bad happen to you” Buck vows as he gently kisses her forehead. She tilts her head in confusion at the use of her full name, but he smiles when she does her signature bounce. Buck sighs as he takes a moment to gather strength before getting up to start the rest of the day.

_The bad day isn’t that bad anymore_

{~}{~}

“Ok Thea, this is your first day at a new daycare center, you excited?” Buck asks as he finds a parking space. He cuts the engine as he looks in the rearview mirror, seeing that she’s looking around curiously, knowing that this isn’t her usual daycare. “You’re going to make lots of new friends, meanwhile I have to fill out paperwork” Buck gives a fake sigh and Thea laughs as he unbuckles her from her car seat.

“Ready? Here we go!” Buck says as he lifts her out of the seat and they start walking to the building. He knows that this is going to be scarier for him than for her. He has the papers in one hand while caring Thea with both. He feels the confidence to start this new day but it stops once he gets closer to the entrance. He pulls Thea back and looks her in the eye.

“Ok honey, I promised myself that I wouldn’t get sad seeing you go, because you’re not leaving, you’re just at a new daycare,” Buck says as he starts getting closer to the entrance. “This place is huge…” he says to himself and he feels Thea grip his shirt. He stops at the entrance and begins to stroke down her back in soft reassurance. Since the funeral, she seems to have gotten some separation anxiety, and he worries that moving her to a new place, even a daycare will throw her off, and he doesn’t want her to get stressed out. But he hopes that if Thea is anything like Angie, then she’ll adjust, even if it might take a while. Buck places a soft kiss on her cheek, to reassure them both.

“I love you little one, you’re going to be ok,” he says before opening the doors, and he’s greeted by Katie, the woman that gave him the tour the previous week.

“Good morning Buck, and I’m assuming this is Theodosia?” Katie asks while smiling at Thea.

“Yep, and I brought all of the paperwork”

“Excellent! Let’s go get Thea settled in her new classroom before we fill out the rest of the paperwork.” Katie leads the duo down a hallway of different rooms before stopping in room 126 that is painted yellow and white filled with paintings and various toys. Katie tells Buck to take his time settling in before going to the main office at the end of the hall. He looks into the room and sees about 5 other kids about Thea’s age, all playing with various toys. He squeezes Thea for a moment before he opens the door. All of the kids look over to the door and stare at Buck, who stares right back.

“Hi, there…where are your caretakers?” He asks, and none of the kids say nor do anything before they all scream. They all run to the back of the room where two adults are cleaning up some toys, who look up at the commotion. All the kids crawl or quickly walk behind the adults, who see Buck standing in front of the door after he closes it.

“Oh hello there, I’m Haru and I’m one of the caretakers here in room 126, I assume that you’re our new member?” Asks the woman with blonde hair and he smiles, trying to hold onto Thea for a little longer, but he knows he has to let her go soon.

“It’s nice to meet you Haru, I’m Buck and this is Theodosia or Thea.”

“The woman back there is my sister, all kids in this room are 6-9 months old. There are only 6 kids in this room, so they will be well looked after. You can call this phone number in case of an emergency, and you can come to visit anytime during the day. The kids are usually shy when a new person comes in, but they warm up fast.” Haru says as she walks back to where her sister is sanitizing the teething rings and putting them in a freezer. Buck sighs as he sees the kids peeking out from where they are at the corner, one of the older one tugs on the jeans of Haru.

“Play?” They shyly ask while pointing to Thea and Buck. Haru then nods and all the kids shyly approach the duo and Buck knows it’s time. He puts Thea on the ground and it’s like there is a standoff between Thea and the rest of the kids before one of them steps forward and extends a book. Thea looks at it curiously before taking it and feeling the felt inside of the picture book. She lets out a squeal of delight before the other kids gather around to read or see the pictures in the books. Buck smiles and pulls out his phone and takes a picture.

“Ok Thea, have fun. I love you” He says as he cups her face and gives her a kiss on the forehead. “I’ll see you tonight ok?” Buck says as he gets up and watched her for a moment before leaving to go to the office.

{~}{~}

The day went by without a hitch, and he was even allowed on some calls today. They were all minor, so he didn’t have to worry about not being able to go home that night. On the downtime, he texted Haru for pictures of Thea and they ranged from her sleeping to watching the Trolls movie, to trying to eat Cheerios. He smiled at every single one of them and felt some of the tension melt away. When scrolling through the pictures on his app, he felt his heart pang when he saw the last picture of Christopher he took was four months ago, and while he had seen Chris in passing, he felt so bad that he hasn’t been able to spend time with him…maybe he can ask Lena for some help.

But he pushes those thoughts out o the way when it is time for his lunch break. He gets a one-hour lunch break and he knows that the captain allows him to go anywhere during that one hour because a relief team member will take over for him. So he leaves the station, telling Hen that he will be back on his way out and he makes his way to the daycare that is 10 minutes away from the station.

He parks the car and he quickly makes his way through the long hallways and stops at the designated room. He opens the door and he sees that Thea is just sitting in the middle of the room, staring at a book. Buck frowns in confusion as he opens the door and shuts it. Thea looks up from the book and recognition passes through her eyes. She makes a sound of happiness and attempts to get up, but after trying to take a step, she falls. Buck smiles as he picks her up.

“Hi Thea, how’s my Wonder Woman?” He asks as he kisses her cheek. She giggles and points to a book on the floor, and Buck’s heart pants as he sees that it’s the book that Angie used to read.

 _Mae Among the Stars_ by _Roda Ahmed_

Buck looks around and sees other kids looking at him like he’s a medical marvel. Straining their necks to look all the way up at him, their eyes sparkling in wonder. He hears a giggle from the back and sees Haru laughing.

“I think they think it’s storytime…would you mind?”

“Not at all,” Buck says as he sits down on a bean bag. All of the kids gather around to listen to the story. Thea grabs the book and hands it to Buck, who smiles in amusement at the fact that it’s upside down. He opens it right side up and kisses Thea on the head before opening the book.

_“Based on the true story of Mae Jemison, the first black woman to travel into space”_

{~}{~}

“Hey Buck, where did you go off to?” Hen asks after he clocks back in, putting his uniform shirt back on.

“Oh just out. I didn’t go too far in case there was an emergency” Buck says vaguely, and it seems to satisfy Hen enough.

“By the way, you doing ok Buck? Honestly?” Hen asks and Buck stops when he thinks about it. He doesn’t know what to say, so he just answers honestly.

“It’s hard some days Hen…but I’m taking it one day at a time,” Buck asks and Hen silently asks if he would like a hug, and he does. So she holds him tight as he feels a little bit of tension leaves his shoulders. She holds him for a moment before the alarm rings, startling them out of their bubble, and he squeezes for a moment before they both rush out to put on their uniforms. Buck puts in all of his energy and passion into the call, but by the time it was done, he was _exhausted._

_Everyone was, and while he wanted nothing more to do than go home and sleep, he still has stuff to do._

He takes a shower as fast as he can, and is about to leave when Bobby calls him into his office. Buck’s nerves are instantly high, he hadn’t done anything bad…right? Buck walks up to the office and shuts the door when Bobby gestures him to.

“Yes Cap?” Buck asks, masking his voice that seems professional.

“Just wanted to check in with you. Have you been keeping up with physical therapy?” So that’s what this is about…

“Yea I have, I’ll have the doctor fax you all the papers. Are we done here? I need to go somewhere important”

“Yes, we’re done here, have a good night,” Bobby says dismissively, and Buck would like to think that if he did not have different priorities, it would have hurt him. And while it does, he can’t bring himself to acknowledge his feelings about everything right now. He sighs as he shuts the door and makes his way down the stairs to the locker room. He gets dressed quickly and is about to head out when he stops in front of Eddie.

“H-hey Eddie…h-how’s Chris doing?”

“Doing good…misses you though” Eddie says in a disappointed voice and he can’t help the feeling of guilt course through his body at this. He doesn’t mean for Chris to miss him, he wishes he could drop everything and go see him, but Thea needs him…maybe-

“I can come to see him…o-only if it’s ok with you”

“Fine this weekend:

“Eddie I-“

“See you” Eddie says before ripping his jacket off of the hook and storming out of the station. Buck wants nothing more than to chase after him, to explain everything that’s is going on, and that there is no other woman. There never was, that Eddie is it for him, but he can’t…at least not yet. He’s still not ready.

“Have a good night Buck, call me if you need anything. Ok?” Hen says as she walks with him to his car. He bids farewell before tossing his bag in the car and starting it.

Except the engine stalls out and it won’t start. Buck wills for his car to start, but it won’t. He curses loudly as he slams the door of his Jeep shut. He has to get to Thea ASAP, and he knows that he can’t afford a car repair bill right now. He already has too much on his plate. He pulls out his phone, texting Haru that he’s going to be a little late and to please watch Thea for a little longer.

“Everything ok over here?” He hears a voice behind him and he sees Hen looking at him with concern.

“My car won’t start, and I have somewhere really important to be.” Buck says, gripping his hair in a panic, unsure of what to do.

“Ok, let’s take a breath here Buck, I can give you a ride wherever you need to go, then you can contact someone about the car ok? Don’t worry-“

“I-I can’t ask you to do that Hen, I-I have to go somewhere before home but I have work tomorrow and I won’t be able to-“

“We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it ok? Now let’s just get into m car, and I’ll drive you home ok?” Buck tries to respond, but Hen seems to find upon his trouble of breathing. So she motions for him to follow her to her car and he tries to get control of his breathing when he is seated in her car. She gestures with her hands to slow down his breathing before he passes out. He feels less dizzy when he shudders and leans his forehead against the dashboard.

“There we go. Now, where do you need to go?” Hen asks as she starts the car, he punches in the address in the GPS and tries to relax as she pulls out into the street.

“Hen?” Buck asks after a minute.

“Yea?”

“There’s something I need to tell you…but you can’t tell anyone else yet ok?”

{~}{~}

“How long has it been?” Hen asks after a moment, the car sitting idly in the parking lot of the daycare. He didn’t tell her everything, that would be too many emotions to unpack for a single car ride. But he told her the basics, that the person he was crying for about 4 months ago was Angela, and that she’s gone.

“Close to 5 months now…”

“I’m so sorry Buck”

“I’m learning to be ok with the fact that she’s gone and that she’s never coming back,” Buck says looking down.

“That feeling can be so hard to be ok with…” Hen says, a repeat of what she said the first time.

“I’m sorry Buck”

“What do you mean?”

“I didn’t mean to tease you about her, I was just trying to make you feel a little bit better since everyone has been ignoring you lately. But I went about it in the wrong way…so I’m sorry that I did that”

“I know if I had said something then you would have stopped…but I forgive you Hen. And I’m thankful for it” Buck says, throwing a small smile to Hen, but it drops knowing he hasn’t said the big reveal.

“Thank you Buck…”

“There’s something else you should know…I have a daughter now” Buck says and when Hen doesn’t say anything, hesitantly looks over and sees her with her mouth hanging open.

“Wait…what?! When did this happen?!” Hen all but demands, wanting to know more.

“…Angela had a baby, and I’m the godfather...so after she passed away, I was given custody of her daughter. I took her home after Angie died, and I’ve had her ever since”

“Buck…” Hen begins but stops when Buck sighs as he steps out of the car. He closes the door but sinks down against the car. Hen is instantly b his side on the floor.

“I don’t…know what I’m doing. I’m so scared that I’m doing to let her down” Buck says as he scratches the tear out of his eye. “Not a day goes by without looking at her and seeing Angie…she’s the spitting image of her mom-“ He’s about to say something but is stopped when Hen is in front of him and pulls him close for a tight hug.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Hen asks after a moment.

“…I didn’t think I was ready…I’m still not, but I trust you. When I thought about telling everyone, I stopped because I was scared it was going to bring up the lawsuit-“ Buck says but regrets it instantly when Hen pulls back. Seeming to put the puzzle pieces together.

“Wait…I’m confused…explain it to me?” Hen asks as she sits next to him again as he tries to mentally prepare himself for the conversation.

“…So that’s the reason I sued. I couldn’t let them take her away from me.” Buck says as he looks up at Hen with tears in his eyes. “Angie and I were her only family! Her real father doesn’t even know she exists. Angie’s parents don’t give a shit, n-neither do mine… S-she’s all I have…she needs me…I-I need her! I couldn’t let them take her away to be forgotten” Buck sobs out, covering his eyes with his eyes as he tries to furiously wipes the tears away. “That’s why I sued Hen…I needed better income, a step up from fire marshal. I would do anything to for her, even if that meant losing all of you” Buck says as he sniffs, bringing his knees up to his chest to hide. He tries to gain control of himself again but is stopped when he feels arms around his shoulders.

“You didn’t lose everyone Buck, I’m still here” Hen whispers and this sends Buck into another fit of sobs. Hen simply hugs him tighter as he unloads his emotions from the day. After the sobs turn into soft sniffs, he uncurls himself and looks at Hen, who is holding out a tissue. “This might be 5 months too late, but I’m here for you Buck. I’ll do better this time, I promise” Hen says, and Buck nods as he blinks and tries to clear his eyes. Hen helps him stand up and he starts to make his way to the door but stops.

“Hen…do you want to come in and meet her?”

“I’d like that” Buck smiles as he leads her to the room with only a single occupant. Buck hears the admiration in Hen’s voice when he points her out. He goes into the room with her and squats next to Thea.

“Hen, this is Theodosia Caplan…Thea, this is Hen” Thea looks up from the book she’s holding and looks curiously at the stranger. Hen kneels in front of her.

“Oh my God…hello there” Hen says as she bends down to Thea’s level. “She’s beautiful Buck”

“She looks just like her mother”

“She has to most beautiful curls I’ve ever seen…and her eyes? She’s gorgeous” Hen says, yes sparkling in astonishment.

“It’s a struggle with her hair sometimes…only because I don’t know how to handle her type of hair. Got any advice?”

“Karen has the exact same hair…I’ll ask her if you want me to?” Hen asks and Buck nods at this. Hen watches Thea play for a moment more before getting up. “I’ll bring the car around, you can strap her into Nia’s car seat” Hen says as she gently squeezes Thea’s cheek before exiting the room. Buck thanks Haru for staying so late before kneeling down on what knee.

“Sorry I’m late love. I’m here to-“ Buck’s sentence gets cut off when he is about to put his hand on her head. But before he can, she falls forward into his lap, seemingly unconscious.

“Thea?!” Buck picks Thea up and is alarmed at what he feels.

“Hen!” He screams out as he sprints out of the daycare. She turns around suddenly at the shout of her name.

“What is it?!”

“It’s Thea! She has a fever! I need you to take me to the nearest pediatric hospital please!” Buck demands with tears in his eyes, afraid of what’s going on. He climbs into Hen’s car as she all but races to the nearest hospital, resting a hand on Buck’s arm. He buries his nose in her hair as he prays to Angie, that Thea is ok and this is nothing to major.

_Because he doesn’t know what he’ll do if he loses Thea too._

* * *

Thanks for reading! Feel Free to comment!

Come visit me on my [Tumblr](https://chitownwolf.tumblr.com/)!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: mentions non-consensual sex, mentions of depression, suicide, and abortion (doesn't happen)

“She’s going to be ok, Buck, the doctor said that her fever should be gone within the night,” Hen says as she squeezes his arm in reassurance. Buck nods tensely as he continues to stare at Thea’s form on the bed. He pats her hand as he gets up to flip the cloth on her head.

“She looks so small…” Buck says as he feels his face getting heated.

“Buck?” Hen asks lowly, getting up from the spare chair in the room. She is startled when she sees Buck shed a tear.

“What did I do wrong?” Buck asks as he wipes the tear away. Hen steps forward to pull him towards her. She can understand where he is coming from in this sense. After Eva was arrested, she was alone with Denny for a long time before Karen came along. She understands how terrifying it must be for a single father. She squeezes him tighter as she realizes that he has been going through all of this alone…no one should have to do this alone.

“You didn’t go _anything_ wrong baby.” Hen says with absolution. She feels angry tears well up in her eyes at the fact that the universe seems to have it out for Buck. First all of his medical problems, and now he lost someone that’s been his rock? Why does the world hate him so much?

“You heard the doctor…it was stress and I haven’t been keeping up with her schedule and-“ Buck tries to say but Hen pulls back and grips his face.

“You’ve been mourning Buck. This is _not y_ our fault ok? You know that this daycare is a good idea for her, and you are doing a good job. But she’s been through a lot in a short amount of time, so it’s going to take a while to adjust. You _both_ have been through a lot, but-“

“-at least we have each other” Buck says fondly as he brushes some of her curls back. Hen watches in amazement as Buck is speaking tenderly to Thea, holding her small hand and flipping the cloth. The tender moment is broken when his stomach growls loudly.

“I think that’s your cue to eat something Buckaroo,” Hen says and Buck laughs softly.

“I-I can’t leave her,” Buck says, fear taking over his face, but Hen puts a hand on his shoulder in order to calm him.

“You aren’t leaving her. You’re just _stepping out_ of the room in order to get some food for yourself. If you want, I can go get some food for you and bring it back here”

“I can’t ask you to do that Hen. You have to get home to your family and-”

“You’re my family too Buck, besides, I already texted Karen that something came up and she understands. All we were going to do was watch The Bachelor…I hate that show anyway. So this isn’t a problem at all”

“O-only if you’re sure,” Buck says after a moment and Hen smiles as she gets up to squeeze his shoulder before exiting the room. Buck sighs as he looks down at Thea again before hearing a knock at the door. He looks up and sees the doctor and the attending nurse peeking into the room.

“Hi Mr. Buckley, we’re just going to check her vitals one more time to make sure it’s safe to release her home.” Buck nods and sits back as the doctor and nurse gently and quietly move throughout the room. After the doctor checks over a few things, they stick a thermometer under Thea’s arm, and after it beeps the doctor nods at the reading.

“So this is good. Her temperature went down and judging by this rate, she is safe to go home for the night. Just make sure she gets plenty of rest and please come back if her temperature does not return to normal in 2 days or it rises, but judging by the results, she’s going to be just fine.” Buck nods and waits a moment before mentally preparing himself to leave the room to sign the discharge papers.

“Would you like me to change her diaper?” Asks the nurse and Buck nods in approval, just then, Hen comes back into the room.

“Buck? Is everything ok?” Hen asks as she walks into where he is.

“Yea, everything is fine. She’s being discharged, I just have to sign the papers. Her temperature is going down”

“That’s good, and sorry to say that the cafeteria is closed, but there’s a diner down the block. We can stop for food there”

“Hen no that’s-“ Buck is about to deny the suggestion but stops when his stomach lets out another growl.

“Boy, don’t you say that it’s too much, this isn’t any trouble at all. Besides, I’m hungry too, and I know if I leave you at home, you won’t eat anything” Hen says as she gives Buck a look and after a moment, he relents, agreeing.

“Good, now that you see it my way, you can go to the front desk and sign the papers. I’ll stay here ok?” Hen suggests and Buck nods after a moment, he trusts Hen to watch her for a few minutes. He sighs as he feels the emotions of the day coming out of him, but he pushes him down, for now, he can’t break just yet. He gets to the front desk of the pediatric ward and signs on the last line of the form before giving it back to the nurse.

“Ok, you’re all set Mr. Buckley, you can both go home now, but no rush,” says the receptionist, and Buck nods. He makes his way into the room and is stopped when he hears crying. He opens the door and he sees Hen trying to calm a frantic crying Thea.

“What happened?” Buck asks in alarm.

“Sorry, she woke up and couldn’t find you. I think she got scared, I tried to calm her down-“ Buck was about to say that it’s ok and that he forgot to warn her about her separation anxiety when Thea’s cries turned louder. Thea turns and reaches out for Buck, tears rushing down her reddened face as she tries but fails to wiggle her way out of Hen’s arms.

“Thea-“ Buck begins but is stopped.

“Dada!” Thea screams out and it has Buck freezing for a second before continuing to reach forward. He gently takes Thea out of Hen’s arms and hugs her close, his eyes watering as he replays what she said. He puts her head against his chest and makes soft shushing noises.

“It’s alright Thea, I’m here, it’s ok” Buck says as he strokes his palm down her head. Her cries cease after a few moments, and Buck is left with a few sniffs.

“I’m sorry Buck I-“ Hen starts but Buck gently cuts her off.

“She’s gotten some separation anxiety recently, so it’s ok Hen, you didn’t know. I signed the papers, I’m ready to leave” Buck says and Hen grabs Buck’s bag as follows him out of the hospital, not letting go of Thea for a second. He rode in the back and she began to cry when they strapped her in the car seat, but stopped when Buck held her hand. They all drove in comfortable silence until Hen had pulled into the 24hr diner about 10 minutes from the hospital. Buck went through the motions of unbuckling Thea and following Hen into the diner.

The waitress brought a high chair for Thea and Buck was looking over the menu for something that would pique his interest, though nothing seems appetizing. Truth is, he doesn’t feel like eating, but he knows he has too. He ends up ordering a toasted Ham & Swiss sandwich with a chicken noodle soup, something light so he can keep it down. And he orders an applesauce for Thea. They wait in comfortable silence meanwhile, Thea keeping herself occupied in her high chair, her fever already beginning to leave. But one thing has been bugging him since the hospital, and Hen seems to think so too.

“Something on your mind?” Hen asks and Buck nods, still looking down. His shoulders are heavy with the weight of his thoughts, the past few hours taking affect on him.

“She called me dad…” Buck says after a moment, letting out a breath that he feels deep in his midsection.

“Mh-hm. And how does that make you feel?” Hen asks and Buck shoots her a look but he sighs before thinking of a way to make sense of his mess of emotions.

“Honestly? I don’t know…I feel happy but saddened, and confused. But maybe a little lost, because she biologically isn’t mine, but I know that in every other way she is. But at the same time, I know I’m not her real father, but I also know that I may be the only father figure she may have. People think she’s my daughter all the time, and I used to just thank them and move on, but now? After I signed the papers to legally adopt her, I became her father but…god this is all so confusing.” Buck says, rubbing his forehead. He is about to continue before the waitress comes and brings the food out before grabbing the applesauce and opening it for Thea, setting it in front of her and putting down a plastic spoon. Hen digs into her chicken salad with a BLT while Buck spoons some applesauce into Thea’s mouth. He cleans her mouth when some spills over and smiles when she pouts her lips.

“I’ll take over Buck, you eat,” Hen says as she takes the spoon from Buck’s hand. He nods and despite him having no desire to eat, his stomach growls at the scent of the food. After taking one bite, he finds himself being unable to stop, so he wills himself to slow down in order to enjoy the comfort food. He finishes the sandwich and is halfway through the big bowl of soup when he looks up. His heart warms at the sight of Hen making funny faces and motions for Thea to open wide. Once the applesauce is finished, Hen wipes of Thea’s mouth with a napkin and turns to finish the rest of her food.

“So you were saying?” Hen asks after a little bit, hoping to continue the conversation.

“Before Angie…passed away, everyone always thought that she was my daughter because of how often I was with her. I know that I’m the one male role model in her life right now, so I know that it makes sense that she would think I’m her dad but-“ Buck sighs as he tries to think of how to phrase this.

“Do you think you’re afraid to be her dad?” Hen asks and Buck is about to answer but stops to think about the answer.

“Maybe? Being a dad scares me…because I was so afraid of becoming my father…mostly because I always thought I would. Selfish, angry, drunk…abusive” Buck says the last part quietly and Hen’s heart breaks for the Buckley siblings. “But then I think what would my father do, and then do the opposite, or I follow my instincts. I still can’t believe that this is happening to us. I never thought I would lose Angie.” Buck says looking down.

“What was she like?” Hen asks and Buck smiles as he remembers her.

“She was always so energetic, even in the morning, it was like nothing could slow her down. She was a music teacher and loved to play the ukulele and the piano. But she was kind of like me…she didn’t believe in herself very much, and when she was anxious, she thought of the food she wanted to eat later that day and it would help her get through the day. She was the nicest person you could ever meet, but if you made her mad…look out!” Buck says, smiling as he remembers details that he thought he may have forgotten.

“She taught me everything I know about skincare, she didn’t take a lot of things seriously, but skincare was one of them, at least until Thea came. And she had this habit, that she would scrunch up her nose and furrow her eyebrows when she would push up her glasses”

“You loved her, didn’t you?”

“I did…she was my best friend…my only family for a long time. I loved everything about her, and sure we had fights sometimes, but what family doesn’t? Her taste in women was questionable but I trusted her judgment and-“

“Wait…women?”

“I normally don’t like to out someone…but she was lesbian. I think that’s why we got along so well, even after we were adults.” Buck says but something still doesn’t add up.

“Wait…if she was a lesbian and she got pregnant…” Hen’s eyes then widen in realization at this, and when she looks up at Buck, he simply nods.

“Yep…it happened after she went to a nightclub for her friend’s birthday. It was all fine until a guy came to hit on her, and even though she kept saying no, he wouldn’t stop. The bouncer came and finally kicked him out. She didn’t want to be there anymore, so they all left. He followed her home and-“ Buck cuts himself off, the story still sickens him as he retells it. He shudders as he thinks of how upset and mad he was at the situation, but he was never mad at Angie.

“Buck…” Hen says and Buck can tell that she’s equally horrified.

“I still remember how angry I was at the situation. But never at her, because how horrible of a person would I be if I blamed her? It’s not her fault that the bastard couldn’t take no for an answer. When she told me she was pregnant, that’s when she told me _how_ ”

_Buck remembers holding Angie as she sobbed against the toilet seat. Throwing up until the point of dry heaving, and even when nothing was coming out, she still collapsed against the floor. The positive pregnancy test somewhere out of sight._

_“Buck…what am I going to do?” She asked hysterically, and Buck’s heart broke for her._

_“I don’t know love…but I’ll be here for you through it all, I promise” Buck vowed as he pulled her closer. She nods, but more sobs come out._

“I didn’t know what to do, so I told her that no matter what I would be there for her. And I have been, even when it was hard. And even when it all came to a head”

_“…and I just don’t know Buck. I’m so scared, this was never supposed to happen” Angie says as she wipes her tears. Buck taking the can of wine in her hand and replacing it with a water bottle._

_“Did you drink or take anything?”_

_“No…I wanted to. God, I wanted to drink, but I couldn't. Even if I’m unsure about this, I can’t do it” It had been about a month since the pregnancy news, and Angie had been thinking long and hard about what her options should be._

_“I’m only 26…isn’t that too young to have a baby? I’m so scared Buck…what am I supposed to do here?!” Angie practically screams before breaking down into tears. She subconsciously reaches out and Buck is quick to wrap his big frame around her small one, tucking her face in his shoulder as she cries, feeling like her life is falling apart around her._

_“What do you think I should do?” Angie asks and Buck sighs before pulling back._

_“Angie listen…I know you don’t know what to do here, and the truth is, I don’t either. One: I’m not a woman, therefore, I can’t tell you what to do. Two: it’s your body, your choice. But no matter what you choose, you have to know that I’m going to love you and support you no matter what ok? Tell me you know that?” Buck asks and Angie looks up and gives a weak smile as more tears spill out of her eyes. The light of the kitchen highlighting the tear tracks on her dark skin._

_“Yes, I know that Buck…thank you. C-can I-?” Angie starts but is cut off when Buck holds her again. The tears pick up even more and fall even faster._

_“Why did this have to happen Buck? Why me?” Angie sobs out and Buck feels tears rushing down his face and he tightens his grip._

_“I don’t know love…I don’t know”_

_“_ That must have been horrible…why didn’t you tell any of us?” Hen asks and Buck looks up and he finds himself in the car. He vaguely remembers paying the bill and buckling Thea into her car seat.

“It was around the time that Abby left, and when Eddie and Maddie first came. That’s why I was in such a horrible mood those days. I felt lost, I didn’t know what to do or how I could help Angie. Because that’s all we’ve ever done, picked each other up when we were down. She made me see that Abby leaving wasn’t my fault. With her, I realized that she only used me as an escape from her dying mother, but once she was gone, she had nothing left and just…threw me away. Everything was just too much all at once…then Maddie came along, and while I don’t blame her, and I love her for getting out when she left Doug, that’s when Angie got pregnant. And…I hate myself for this, and I’ll never forgive myself, but I didn’t see Angie for a while, and when I did…s-sh-she-“

_“Angie…p-please-“ Buck begs as tears rush down his face “P-please put it down!”_

_“You promised…YOU PROMISED THAT YOU WOULD BE THERE FOR ME…but I haven’t seen you in 3 weeks, you didn’t call, text, or even visit me…” Angie says from where she’s standing, and it breaks Buck’s heart even more._

_“I know…and I’m sorry about that. I’m so sorry Angela, but please put the knife down. Let’s talk…like we used to” Buck begs as the last of his nonexistent resolve is crumbling with each passing second._

_“You left me…you’re my family…y-you’re all I have and you left me! I needed you...” Buck’s heart and breath stopped as Angie raised her hand with the knife in the air, but she drops it to the floor before she falls to her knees. Buck pushes the knife under the table, out of sight as he takes Angie into his arms._

_“You left me” Angie says softly as she breaks down in Buck’s arms._

_“I didn’t mean to…I swear to you I didn’t mean to. I’m so sorry” Buck sobs as he pulls Angie closer. She sighs as she hugs back, tucking her face into Buck’s neck._

_“I’m sor-“_

_“This isn’t your fault…this absolutely isn’t your fault. It was mine, I should have been here for you…I failed you” Buck sobs out._

_“You’re here now…” Angie says and Buck doesn’t know what to do now, so he holds her tighter. Eventually, he gets up from the floor, pulling Angie up and bringing her to her room. After giving her some a Gatorade to replenish herself, he holds her as she tries to stop crying in bed._

_“It’s ok…I’m here” Buck whispers and it has Angie sobbing even harder._

_“Buck…”_

_“I’m right here” Buck says as he places a kiss on her cheek. They lie in comfortable silence until she sits up. “What is it?”_

_“…I’m going to keep her” Angie says after a moment and Buck blinks at the news._

_“Her?”_

_“I know it’s still super early…but I can feel it, she’s a girl.” Angie says puts a hand on her stomach that has a visible small bulge._

_“Can I ask?”_

_“I know it will be challenging to do this. I considered...ending the pregnancy, but personally, I feel the act of doing that will make me feel worse. I know that it's different for everyone, but I think that it would be harder to live with than the difficulties that would be caused by having a kid when I wasn't expecting to. Is that selfish? I'm not thinking of the baby's life...at least not right now. I know that it's going to damage me and my body more and I'm going to find it harder to get through life dealing with this…so I’m going to keep her. And even though I don’t know what’s going to happen…I’m going to look her in the eyes and not see him. I’m going to love her like I wished I was loved. I’m not going to blame her for my rape…not like my mom did.”_

_“I’m so proud of you Angie.” Buck whispered in fondness and awe. Angie nodded against him and sighs. “Can I be the cool uncle?”_

_“Uncle? Hell no, you’re godfather”_

_“_ And that was that…at least until Thea was 2 months old, then she was diagnosed with cancer. And it was over” Buck says, wiping the tear coming down his face. “Angie struggled at the beginning, when Thea was born. She was scared because everything she ever heard about being a mother felt like a lie.”

_“Everyone says that the moment they laid eyes on their baby, that they loved them. But…looking at Theodosia, I don’t love her. I care for her, but love? It’s not there…does that mean something is wrong with me?” Angie asks as she lies down in her hospital bed, Thea asleep on her chest with Buck at her bedside._

_“I don’t think so love. Theodosia was born in a nonconventional way…maybe looking at her, you’re reminded about what happened?”_

_“I won’t blame her”_

_“I’m not saying you will, I’m saying…maybe you’ll learn to love her”_

“And she did. Angie loved Thea more than anything in the world…but all of that is over now.” Buck says and he hears Hen say something, but the static sounds in his head drown out the noise. He looks out the window while subconsciously keeping a hand in Thea’s seat so she doesn’t cry. He becomes more aware of his surroundings when the car lights come on.

“Thanks for the ride home Hen, I’ll call in about the car and hopefully they can-“

“I already called”

“…wait what?” Buck was not expecting that.

“While you were spaced out, I called someone to go to your car and check out what’s wrong. The person who I called owes me a favor anyway, so don’t worry ok?”

“Hen I-“

“You don’t need to say anything Buck, it’s the least I can do. You don’t have to do this alone.” Hen asks and Buck can feel a small weight being lifted off of his shoulders.

“Hen…thank you” He says as he gently picks up Thea before unlocking the door and letting Hen inside.

“So…this was her house?”

“Yea…my lease was up at my apartment, plus I didn’t want to move Thea into a new place, so I just moved here.”

“Well I know where you live now, so I’ll be dropping by more often. And its a good thing you told me because what would have happened if I went by your old place and someone else opened the door?”

“That would have given you a scare” Buck says quietly as he gently changes Thea into her pj’s and places her in the crib. He puts her favorite stuffed giraffe next to her before pulling a small blanket over her. He strokes her head for a moment before leaning over and giving her a kiss.

“Sleep well lovely” he says quietly before turning on the baby monitor, plugging in her nightlight and leaving the door open a crack. He finds Hen picking up one of his favorite photos of Angie.

“She was beautiful”

“This was when she was two months pregnant. We went to the beach and I haven’t seen her that happy in a long time, so I snuck a picture. It’s my favorite one” Angie’s shoulder length hair is flowing in the same direction as her blue and white sundress. She’s laughing as the waves make her feet disappear, the moment instilled on the picture.

_Buck looks at the clock and sees that it’s almost 11:00._

“Jesus, Hen you should get going. NOT that I don’t enjoy your company, but you have to get home.”

“You better call me first thing ok? I’ll be at work, but I know you have the day off. And please let me know if you need anything at all ok?”

“I will” Buck says and walks Hen to the door. Buck then finds himself in between Hen’s arms, giving him a reaffirming hug.

“Love you Buck, and I’m very proud of you” Hen says as she squeezes him one more time before getting into her car and driving off. He then gets ready for bed and he finds himself being about to fall into an easy sleep, for the first time in a long time.

{~}{~}

“Whatca doing?” Hen asks Buck as she plops down next to him on the couch.

“Just checking in on Thea” Buck says and Hen nods as she pulls out her own phone. Buck hears something in the back and he looks up to see Eddie with a scowl on his face. He had been talking to Hen about these things, on why Eddie is being mean to him. Not listening to him, or even talking to him. Buck has tried over and over to get Eddie to talk to him, because despite everything that’s been going on, he finds himself still needing Eddie. He had talked to Hen about this, and he admitted that he still had feelings for him, despite all of the distance that Eddie is putting between them.

_“Am I wrong for still wanting him? He hasn’t talked to me in a while, and I…miss him. I hate that I actually miss him”_

_“You have feelings for him Buck. And I think it’s safe to say that after spending 2.5 years together, you might even love him. And it’s hard to stop loving someone once you realize it.”_

_“I do love him…but the lawsuit-“_

_“That shouldn’t matter. How he is treating you isn’t how friends are supposed to act. And I know I sound like a hypocrite right now because I was no better but-“_

_“Hen you didn’t outright ignore me so…”_

_“Regardless, if he was really your friend, then he would understand your side. If the day comes that you both get your feelings out in the open, then you’ll both need to learn how to trust each other again first. That’s how it was for me after Ava”_

He didn’t know how to approach his now-maybe former best friend. He wants to ask what’s going on with him, why he’s been staying out late, what’s with the bruises and the not so subtle looks between him and Lena when she comes to visit. It always looks like they are sharing a secret, but Buck can’t pinpoint what it is. And he doesn’t want to ask either, even though he wants to know. He tries to approach him, but Buck stops when he sees the looks that Eddie shoots him, all of them screaming _Get away from me_

_So he stays away, even though that’s the last thing he wants._

{~}{~}

Buck walks into the station and is surprised to see Lena there in the morning. She was talking to Eddie…and it doesn’t look like a very pleasant conversation.

“And by the way, I don’t have a cat!” Is what he hears Lena yell back at Eddie and Buck wonders what that was about. He sighs and goes to change in the locker room before emerging. He looks up to see Bobby call Eddie upstairs, and he wonders what’s going on, but he knows that it’s a matter between Bobby and Eddie, and if Eddie wants to tell him, then he’ll listen.

_But he feels done reaching out to someone who won’t even acknowledge him._

_“_ Hey Buck?” he hears from behind him and he turns and see Lena.

“Yea, what’s up?”

“Listen…I know you heard the last of our conversation and-“

“That’s ok, I really don’t want to be involved” Buck says, gently cutting her off.

“Really? But I thought he was your best friend”

“Looks like we were both wrong. He hasn’t been talking to me at all. I know something is wrong, but every time I ask, he shuts me out and practically tells me to go away. I’m done”

“What do you mean done?” Lena asks, raising one eyebrow.

“If Eddie doesn’t want to talk to me, then who am I to stop him? I have other things to worry about right now” They both knew who he was referring to.

“How is she doing? Got any pictures?” Lena asks and Buck smiles as he pulls out his phone. They spend about 5 minutes looking at pictures before Bobby calls everyone up to breakfast.

“You wanna stay?”

“Can’t sorry, I have a shift in 30 minutes, see you later. And give Thea a hug from me!” Lena waves as Buck buttons the last of his shirt and steps upstairs to get some food. It’s been better since Hen started talking to him about 3 weeks ago. He sits at the end of the table away from everyone but she always sits right down next to him, not caring about what the others are doing.

_“I don’t want you to be singled out Hen. You don’t need to do this for me”_

_“But I want to. At least until they come to their senses”_

So Buck sits and Hen brings over two plates of food and they eat and talk quietly. Much like the first time Hen brought food over, they sit in comfortable silence, Buck looks up and sees that Eddie is gone.

“Where’s Eddie?” He asks quietly.

“I don’t know. I saw him go into the bathroom but-“ Hen is about to say more when Bobby makes the morning announcements. Buck sees from the corner of his eyes that Eddie comes back into the loft and sits behind Buck. He stops the urge to look back at him, paying attention to what is happening in front of him.

“And everyone please be sure to hydrate, the temperatures are supposed to be high today. And another thing, due to…personal reasons, Athena is on a temporary leave from the LAPD, so she’ll be with us at the station. Is there anything else?” Bobby asks and some of the other members have already left the loft, and it just leaves the main 5.

“Yea, I have something to say. I’m a pretty private person, so this is going to be difficult for me to say, but here we go…I’ve been dealing with everything that has happened to me in a very unhealthy way. Every night, I’ve been going to illegal street fights. I knew it was wrong, but I was never able to stop, and last night, it boiled over. As a teammate, I want to say I’m sorry for putting you all in danger. I know nothing has happened, but I still put everyone in danger because of my injuries. And as your friend, I also want to say sorry because-“

Eddie stops to take a breath and Buck takes the opportunity to slip out of the loft and into one of the private bunks. He shuts the door and sits on one of the beds, trying to process what he just heard. But he finds himself unable to think of anything, all he hears is static in his mind. He tries to calm his mind by taking some deep breaths, but nothing is working. Why would Eddie do something like this? Doesn’t he know he has so much to lose? Did he even think about that could do to his son? Oh lord...does Christopher know? What if Eddie never made it home? He would have died without him knowing that Buck...he shakes his head to rid of that thought. He hears a knock on the door and Hen comes in after a moment.

“Buck? You ok honey?”

“Yea…” he says but Hen can hear the hesitation and other emotions in the voice.

“Wanna try that again?” Hen asks as she sits across from Buck, holding out a cup of his favorite tea with honey out to him. He takes it and sips it carefully, his mind calming a bit before the static comes back. He sees Hen’s lips moving, but no noise comes out. He puts the tea down and curls into himself. He feels Hen sit next to him on the bed, and he leans into her, who doesn’t hesitate to put her arm around him.

“It’s going to be ok”

“Hen...I can’t”

“He was looking for you. He realized that you weren’t there, and he’s looking for you”

“I can’t see him right now. Because if I do, then I’m going to scream at him, but that’s not going to help anyone. I-I just can’t”

“Buck, you don’t owe him a damn thing. If you don’t want to talk to him, then you don’t have to”

“...I have to see Thea”

“Is everything ok?”

“I’ll explain later, I just have to see her. I’ll be back” Buck hugs Hen and exits the room before going to clock out for his 30 minute break. If he really hurries, then he can make it there in a few minutes.

“Buckley!” Buck practically drops his keys at the loud voice that seems to echo throughout the whole station. From the corner of his eye, he sees Hen peak out of the room, ready to come to his defense if necessary.

“Y-yes Cap?”

“Where are you going?” Bobby asks as he comes down the stairs, Eddie and Chim right behind him. Buck wants to roll his eyes at this, but he refrains.

“On my break Cap. I’ll be back in 30 minutes” Buck says, trying to shorten this conversation so he can get to Thea faster.

“You’ve been disappearing from the station for a while now? Where are you going?”

“I always come back in time, don’t worry about it” Buck says as he tries to leave but Bobby has a look on his face that screams not to try anything. He can see the main 5 gathering around Bobby, and he has a silent conversation with Hen with facial expressions.

_Want me to tell them to back off?_

_No thanks...I think it’s time_

“Evan Buckley, you will tell me and you will tell me now” Bobby says and crosses his arms in the process. Buck sighs and resigns himself to whatever may come next.

“Fine, you know what? This has been a long time coming. I wanted to wait until you all were going to get over this whole thing, but clearly that was never an option-”

“How are we supposed to get over what you did to us?” Eddie asks, now in civilian clothing.

“I thought you said that you _always_ manage to suck it up...so how is this any different?” Buck tilts his head in a blank expression, and Buck can see Eddie blink and take a step back at that.

“Buck I-”

“Remember that? Remember when I was minding my own business and before I even had a c-chance to explain why I did what I did, you tore into me. You belittled my trauma...and you made me feel like I was _nothing”_ Buck’s voice breaks at that last word as he wipes at his eyes. “None of you, besides Hen, have _no idea_ what I’ve been through this last few months. I almost died twice, I get caught in a natural disaster, and then I come to find out that the only reason I’m not allowed back at work is because of _him”_ Buck points a finger at Bobby and a small part of him takes satisfaction in the way that Bobby flinches back.

“I trusted you Bobby” Buck says, breaking eye contact to look down.

“Buck I-”

“I’m not here to listen to your excuses or why you think what you did was right. And on top of being held back by you...I lost my best friend”

“I’m still here-”

“Not you Eddie! _My_ best friend...my family. The one that has been there for me since the beginning, I lost my family” Buck wipes the tears that are spilling down his face, it’s still not easy to talk about. “The woman you heard a lot about a few months ago was Angela. She wasn’t my girlfriend, she was my family. I loved her more than anyone could ever understand. She was supposed to be getting surgery to help her...but sh-she-that day in the grocery store, I got a phone call...she didn’t make it. I got the phone call...and I knew that she was gone. But you wanna know the worst part? I didn’t even get to say goodbye to her...oh sure I said goodbye to her at the hospital after and at her funeral...but it was just to a body...not _her.”_ Buck sniffs as he wipes the tears from his eyes.

“Why didn’t you say anything Buck?” Eddie asks but flinches back when Buck fixes him with a rare angry glare.

“So you can tell me to stop whining about my pain? Tell me that everyone else has problems but you don't complain about them? To tell me how _exhausting_ I am?” Buck practically spits out and Buck takes another small satisfaction in the way Eddie's shoulders drop and the way his face pales. “No thanks...I have enough things to worry about. You want to know what’s been going on with me? Fine, wait here, I’ll be back soon”

{~}{~}

The station is eerily silent, no calls, no bustles of members, and no sounds of the loft. The weight of Buck’s words seemed to be having an effect on everyone. Hen looks up from her phone to see that Bobby and Eddie have a look of guilt on their faces, as well as they should. She can’t get a read on Chim just yet, but she knows that he is feeling guilty by the drop of his shoulders. Hen hears the clacking of boots against the floor and she looks over the railing to see Athena walking into the station… _this should be good_.

“Hey Athena” Bobby tries to say in a cheerful voice, but Athena sees right through it in an instant.

“What’s going on?”

“I-it’s Buck-“

“What happened?” Athena demands and Hen can see the protectiveness in her stance and her words. Athena can deny it all she wants, but Hen knows her, she cares for Buck in a way that only a mother can. Hen saw the look of heartbreak on her face when he opened up about his mysterious past and his not so nice parents.

“It’s hard to explain but-“ Bobby tries but stops when Athena holds up her hand and looks over to Hen.

“Hen? Explanation please” Athena asks and Hen sighs before getting a text on her phone. She opens it and sees that Buck is asking her to come downstairs.

“I’ll be back, but maybe they can explain why Buck was left to fend for himself by people he considered his family. Maybe they can explain why he calls me at night, crying at how he just wants everything to stop. Or maybe they can explain _everything_ that they’ve put Buck through. How he was alone when he lost someone important and how he had to grieve _alone._ ” Hen finishes off by sending a glare to Eddie, who squirms under the gaze. She shakes her head before running down the stairs and greeting Buck, who is hiding around the corner.

“What’s up?” Hen asks as she stops in front of him. She looks down to see Thea in his arms, who lights up at the familiar face.

“He-n!” Thea says almost correctly as she reaches out a high-five for Hen, who smiles as Hen holds out her hand. Buck’s heart squeezes in admiration that Hen’s face lights up when she looks at Thea and vice versa. Buck loves that in the short amount of time that Hen and Karen have gotten to know Thea, they’ve become honorary aunts, and they take their roles very seriously. It takes some weight off of his chest that he can call them when he doesn’t know what to do.

“I guess I’m just scared to introduce her to everyone. To be honest, I still don’t think I’m ready for that, but…they need to know”

“You know you don’t owe them a damn thing and-“

“Hen? Buck?” Asks someone and Buck tenses at the voice, even though he has no reason to, it’s just Athena. Buck looks up and sees Athena making her way over to them.

“And who is this?” Athena asks looking at Thea, who then makes a pouty face and hides her face in Buck’s shoulder, she’s still getting used to new people.

“Friend?” Thea asks and Buck puts a hand on her back.

“Yes honey, she’s a friend. Athena, meet Theodosia…she’s my daughter” Buck says as he looks up with the proud smile that is always on his face when he talks about Thea.

“Wait…what?!” Athena asks, rare shock taking form on her features.

“She’s my daughter…I’m a dad now” Buck says and Hen can hear the disbelief in his voice.

“How…w-when?”

“I’d rather explain this all at once instead of twice because it still hurts to talk about. So I’ll explain it upstairs, but once I do, I’d love for you to meet her one on one” Buck says and Athena, still looking at Thea nods. She pats Buck on the shoulder before turning around and going back up the stairs.

“Oh god…I’m so nervous” Buck says before taking a step back. Hen puts a calming hand on his arm.

“It’s going to be ok Buck, but remember, you don’t need to do this”

“I know I don’t have to…but I think I want to. I think it’s time. It’s not going to be easy, I know the moment I tell them about Thea and Angie, then they are going to ask for forgiveness…but I don’t think I’m read to forgive them. Especially Eddie…I needed him, but I couldn’t talk to him.” Buck looks down at sensing the mood change, Thea lifts her head and hugs his neck. Buck smiles at this and relaxes when Hen gives him hug of her own.

“It’s going to be ok” Hen says quietly before pulling back and pretends not to see Buck wiping the tear track.

“Ok…I think I need a minute”

{~}{~}

Hen walks up and sits on the couch nearest to the stairs in case Buck needs her. She looks down to see Buck take a breath before walking up the stairs. Hen can see how the others either tense or turn to the stairs, it seems that Eddie is torn in between. It looks like that he wants to look over, but is holding himself back. Hen hears Buck get to the top of the stairs by the way he clears his throat. And everyone forces themselves to look up and Hen would like to think the shock would have been priceless if not for the serious situation. Bobby and Eddie look tat Buck before the sound of a baby fills the silence.

They both then look at the obvious baby that is bouncing in his arms. Chimney was instantly drawn to her, shock taking his features. Hen smiles as Thea looks around the station, awe taking over her features as she takes in the new environment. Thea looks over all of the faces of the people in front of her and her faces lights up when she sees Hen. Thea then untangles her arms from Buck’s neck and reaches out to Hen, who reaches back. Buck smiles as he hands Thea to Hen, who laughs when Thea grabs at her glasses.

_The moment is broken when someone breaks the silence_

“Buck…who is that?” asks Bobby and Buck sighs as he finally turns to face them.

“This is Theodosia Caplan-Buckley…she’s my daughter”

* * *

Thanks for reading! Feel Free to comment!

Come visit me on my [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/chitownwolf)!


	6. Chapter 6

_“This is Theodosia Caplan-Buckley…she’s my daughter”_

Buck resists the urge to squirm under all of the gazes that seem to be coming at him in all directions. He looks out of the corner of his eyes and sees Hen giving him an encouraging smile.

“Wait…daughter?” Eddie breaks the silence after what seems a long time. Buck sighs as he nods and looks up from where he is staring a hole into the ground.

“Yep…like I said earlier, Angela wasn’t my girlfriend or whatever you thought she was. She was someone I met when I was little. Maddie was already gone by then, and I met her on my way home from school. There was a bridge that I had to cross in order to get home, and I saw her sitting by the safety railing…”

“ _You’re not going to jump, are you?”_

_“No…listening to the sound of the river below me helps me relax…”_

_“Can I sit down with you?”_

_“Sure”_

_“I like your song”_

_“What song?”_

_“Not to sound creepy, but I saw you playing a guitar earlier”_

_“It’s called a ukulele…and thanks. No one’s ever said they liked my songs…”_

_“Can I hear it?”_

_“Really?”_

_“Yea…I’m Evan by the way”_

_“…Angela”_

_“_ Ever since then, we’ve been best friends. We did everything together, and when we turned 18…we left. She went back to school to get her music degree and I went to try out for the SEAL’s…since that didn’t work, I didn’t know what I wanted to do for a while. We talked and she said that she got a job out here in LA, and I went to South America for a while, then afterward, I came here…it was terrifying, but she was here, so it wasn’t so bad. That’s basically it…until she got pregnant, she gave birth to Thea.” Buck says as he tries to blink away the tears coming out.

“So…how is she your daughter then?” Chim asks and Buck sighs painfully as he sits down next to Hen. His legs giving out at the memories that still hurt despite it being over half a year.

“3 months ago…Angela passed away from advanced stage 3 ovarian cancer…and as Thea’s godfather, she came into my care. Angie’s will granted me sole custody of her daughter, and she’s been with me ever since.”

“Buck-“ Athena tries to say but Hen makes a _stop_ motion with her hand across her throat and Athena listens to what he says next.

“…That’s why I sued…Angie got sick alarmingly fast, so I took care of Thea while she was in the hospital. I still don’t know who did it, but somehow a social worker came into the picture, and they threatened to take Thea away if I didn’t get a better job. That night I went to Bobby’s and I was going to tell you both about Thea and Angie-“

“Buck-“ Bobby tries to say but stops when Athena fixes him a look.

“Imagine my surprise when I find out that _you_ were the reason I didn’t have my job back,” Buck says as he looks at Bobby, who wilts under the intense gaze.

“Buck…I-I didn’t mean for-“

“I _know_ you didn’t mean for it to happen…but it did anyway. I had no choice, I could either sit back and watch Thea get taken away and I may never see her again, or I could fight _your judgment_ against everyone else’s, who told me I physically, mentally, and emotionally ready to come back to work. I had to fight for _my_ family, Thea and Angie were all I had left, and I would have done anything for them…even if it meant losing you all. But based on the way things were going before…I already lost you all” Buck says as he wipes the tears from his eyes as Hen squeezes his shoulder in soft reassurance. Thea senses her dad’s sadness and reaches over to pat his cheek and makes a funny face. Buck smiles and quietly thanks Thea.

“But Buck, y-you didn’t lose us” Bobby stands up and attempts to go over to where Buck is but stops when he leans away from Bobby’s arms that are reaching out. Bobby’s face falls when Buck stops him from approaching, and it falls, even more, when Athena gets up from where she is sitting and Buck welcomes her side hug. Buck risks a look over to Eddie and is confused hen he is staring a hole into the ground, anger on his face.

“Why didn’t you tell us? Tell me? I understand what it means to raise a kid by yourself and-“

“It wasn’t just you Eddie I-“

“Why couldn’t you come to me?” Eddie asked, getting up.

“Because I was terrified! I wanted you to be better before I told you. I saw what you were doing to yourself and I didn’t want to add to that, but I also wasn’t ready. I’m still having a hard time processing everything, sometimes I don’t even want to. But I have to…for Thea. It takes every ounce of my strength just to get out of bed in the morning when all I want to do is roll over and just stop…but I can’t. Because the second I do, I fail Angie. I promised her that I would do anything to protect Thea with everything that I am, and I intend to keep that promise no matter what. I’ve been running around half out of my mind for the past few months, wondering if I’m doing the right thing. I moved her into a new daycare center that is insanely expensive, taking more shifts to pay for it and other bills along with thinking of school. She’s growing up without her mom…and I’m without my best friend. I…I don’t know what I’m doing anymore” Buck sobs as he sinks down out of the chair and onto the ground.

He curls into himself, trying to stop the heat of embarrassment of telling his so-called family all about his past when he wanted to keep it a secret. He always wanted to separate the life he built with Angie separate from his work life. They didn’t know about her existence because he wanted to have at least one thing out of work for himself, but it’s gone now and he has to involve them with Thea. He knows that after everything, they may want to be involved in her life, and while he knows it will be better for her, he’s not ready to let them back in yet, especially not Eddie…at least not yet.

He knows there’s a lot to talk about with him, on where they stand…but he can’t worry about that right now because he has someone to think about other than his possible relationship with someone he’s been in love with. He feels someone wrap their arms around him and he knows those arms anywhere, he’s had to lean on them a few times.

“I’m here Buck…it’s alright” he hears quietly in his ear, and he knows it’s Hen. He looks up when he sees that Thea isn’t close to them anymore. Hen points to where she is crawling around, Athena by the stairs in case she wanders too close. Buck smiles as Thea looks around in awe at the new area. All the colors and noises would seem overwhelming, but she’s smiling in the light. Buck and Hen both chuckle as she crawls over to the fridge, lightly hitting the door and reaching for the handle. Even though that only works at home, she seems to know that when she’s hungry, to go to the fridge. Buck hears Athena coo at her antics and smiles even brighter when Athena gets up to pick Thea up and opens the fridge. Thea then points to something.

“App-le” Buck sees Athena melt at the adorableness that Thea seems to constantly carry.

“How old is she?” Athena asks as she takes out the packet of applesauce that Thea keeps reaching for.

“She’s 8 months”

“She’s amazing…and very independent.” Athena says she watches Thea try to eat the applesauce by herself with the plastic spoon.

“She got that from her mom,” Buck says, but his face falls when Athena speaks again.

“Where’s her father? Her biological one?”

“Not in the picture…don’t know who he is” Buck says, shrugging.

“Probably for the best, she already has the best dad in the world,” Hen says, bringing her arm around Buck, who feels his cheeks heat up at the compliment. Buck looks over to the others who haven’t said anything since the knowledge of Thea. But Buck can see that Chim is reaching for his phone.

“Hey Chim?”

“Yes?” He answers instantly.

“Do you think you can…maybe hold off on telling Maddie?”

“She doesn’t know?”

“No…I’m having a hard time and I just need to think for a little bit ok?” Chim looks hesitant but nods nonetheless. Bobby looks torn at wanting to talk to Buck and watching the new addition of Buck’s family.

“Buck I-“ Eddie starts but is cut off when the alarm rings out and it startles Thea, who covers her ears and curls into Athena. Buck smiles as Athena’s face melts and then tries to calm her down.

“Buck, let’s go!” Hen calls from down on the stairs and he looks torn at running off to the trucks or comforting Thea, luckily Athena saves him the trouble.

“Don’t worry Buck, I’ll look after her. I know your shift is done in the next hour. I’ll take her back to my place ok?”

“Oh Athena I can’t ask you to-“

“Good thing you aren’t asking. Don’t worry baby, she’ll be safe with me. Besides, I think it’s about time she met her aunt Athena” she says and the tension in Buck’s shoulders loosen as he smiles.

“I think so too, I’ll be there right after I’m done.” Buck kisses Thea on the head before rushing down the stairs and makes quick work of putting on his turnout gear.

“Are you coming?” Buck asks as he sees Eddie looking hesitant by the entrance of the locker rooms.

“Bobby suspended me because of the street fighting…Buck I’m-“

“Eddie…I can’t. Not now” Buck says looking away, ignoring the hurt look on Eddie’s face.

“Can we talk, please? I know I-“

“Eddie, I have to go, we can later but…not now ok?”

“Ok…be safe out there,” Eddie says as Buck climbs into the truck, forcing himself not to look back.

“You ok?” He hears Hen ask off of the headset.

“What’s this call about?”

{~}{~}

“She has such good energy for an 8-month-old,” says Micheal, who is lying down on the couch, allowing Thea to point at things in a picture book, with May and Harry watching in fascination. Micheal finds his hands occupied as Thea keeps trying to put his necklace in her mouth at the same time.

“Yea…it’s getting harder to tire her out sometimes. But she loves the game of _how far away can she get before I go after her._ Do you all think you can help me with her hair? I don’t know what I’m doing in that department.” Buck says, scratching the back of his neck.

“It looks like she has the same hair type as May when she was a baby. Right now, you don’t have to do much. Babies have very sensitive skin, so you don't want to over wash the hair, but you do want to keep it clean. You only need to wash it once a week. Just use a little bit of coconut oil and you'll be set.” Athena says, bringing over some plates and setting them on the table in front of them.

“Thanks, Athena…that helps a lot”

“Don’t you worry baby, we’re here for you” Athena says as she squeezes his shoulder. She sets the pizzas down on the table and everyone makes busy work at grabbing some pizza slices while Athena shakes the bottle of formula. Buck goes to take the bottle but she gently smacks his hand.

“You eat, I’ll feed her” Athena says as she takes Thea from Micheal’s lap and sets her on the ground, setting her on a neck travel pillow so she is supported.

“Oh, but I wanted to!” Harry and May say at the same time and it sends Buck kneeling over in laughter, which causes Thea to clap at seeing her dad so happy.

“Relax you’ll get your turn. Buck, you eat. And don’t hold back because there is plenty of pizza to feed a football team, and don’t worry, I got your garlic dipping sauce” Athena says before Thea cries out for the bottle that Athena is refusing to give her. Athena smiles as Thea latches onto the bottle and ends up holding it herself. May and Harry then argue what show to put on for her as they browse through Netflix. Buck ends up eating 4 slices of pizza, not being aware of how hungry he was.

He sits on the armchair and he assumes he must have been dozing off because when Thea cries, he is jolted awake. He instantly searches for danger but Thea stops when he sees that Athena is changing her diaper. He attempts to get up when he feels a soft hand on his shoulder.

“Sorry baby, did we wake you up?” Athena asks above him, Thea sucking the burp cloth that Athena has over her shoulder.

“No it’s fine, I-I didn’t mean to fall asleep” Buck says as he tries to get up from the armchair but stops when Athena gently pushes him back down. She sets Thea on the ground in between the neck pillow again in front of the TV, the show _Sara & Duck _is playing on the screen. She instructs May to watch the baby for a moment, as she pulls Buck up on his feet. Athena then leads him into the guest room and gestures for him to lie down.

“Athena…”

“You, young man, are exhausted. You go to sleep, Thea will be safe with us. I can wake you up in an hour if you want?” Athena says as Buck finds himself getting comfortable on the bed. Before he can respond, he feels the weight of sleep is pulling at him. Athena grabs the blanket from off of the edge of the bed and she covers Buck with it.

“Sleep well baby, she’s in good hands,” Athena says quietly as she sits on the edge of the bed. Athena smiles sadly as she runs her fingers through his hair, seeing the tension in his body melt out of him as he relaxes into the pillows.

“I’m so sorry you had to go through this alone Buck” Athena whispers, unafraid of the tears welling up in her eyes, safe in the darkness of the room.

“It’s-“

“Boy, don’t you dare say it’s fine. I can assume that you went through her death and funeral alone, also being a new single parent. But no one should have to go through all of that alone”

_I deserved it…_

“Honey…why would you think that?” He must have said that out loud…Athena is horrified, she’s never heard Buck say anything like this, but she curses herself for not seeing this coming.

“My lawsuit…Eddie was right. I made it all about me, I didn’t think what it would do to everyone else I-“

“You had someone else to think about Buck and-“

“I know, and part of me knows that I was right for suing because of Thea, but the other part of me really wishes I didn’t take that course of action. Maybe I could have done things differently, I, at least should have talked to you guys about it.”

“We can’t change that past honey”

“I know we can’t, but I hope I can make it up to the others because I do want them in Thea’s life. She needs all the support she can get...and I don’t think I can do this alone anymore” Buck says as a few tears leak out of his eyes, but Athena wipes them away with a tissue.

“You aren’t alone anymore Buck. I promise” Athena whispers as exhaustion finally pulls him into sleep. Athena pulls the blanket and drapes it over Buck, leaving the door open in case Buck needs anything.

Athena goes to check on Thea but finds May standing at the end of the hallway with the baby on her arms, dozing off while sucking on her pacifier.

“Is he ok?” May asks, concerned for her pseudo-older brother.

“He’s going to be fine baby. He’s got us, and he has Hen. The others will come around” Athena smiles at the concern that May has for Buck, she saw how they bonded during the aftermath of May’s overdose. May nods as a tear makes its way down her face.

“What’s wrong May?” Athena asks in concern as another tear comes out.

“I-um, what’s going to happen to Bobby?” May asks.

“…I don’t know honey. Don’t worry, I still love him, but whatever happens between Buck and him, will not be up to us”

“I-um…I called Buck once, just to check in and see how he’s doing, and to help me with something for college. He answered and everything seemed fine. But he sounded really sad…I asked and he said he was fine. Why wouldn’t he tell me?” May asks, not bothering to wipe the tears coming down from her eyes.

Athena beckons May to follow her as she takes a sleeping Thea from May’s arms. They then pull out the couch to make it into a bed, and she lies Thea on top of it. Blocking her from moving too much by surrounding her with pillows and placing a soft blanket on her. Afterward, she sits May down and places a glass of water near her with some tissues.

“He probably just wanted to protect you and-“

“But _mom_ -“ her voice breaking “I’m 18…I can handle it. We promised…”

“Promised what sweetie?” Athena asks gently, handing May a tissue.

“After my overdose…Buck came to see me in the hospital and we were talking. He said that he understood what it means to feel the way I felt…and he told me that he feels that way sometimes too. And he made me promise that if I ever felt that hopeless again, to call him and he would always be there to listen to me. And I would call him afterward, but after a while, it was just to catch up and help me through high school and the beginning of college…” May then wipes a tear away and continues with her mother’s soft encouragement.

“I know that he sued the department for his job back. During it, he was talking to me. But after Bobby said he can come back…he stopped. He stopped calling me and when I tried to call him, he would say everything is fine. But it’s not, something was wrong…I knew something was wrong. Why didn’t he tell me?!” May sobs as Athena pulls her into a hug.

“I don’t know the answer to that one May, I think you’re going to have to ask him yourself. But if it makes you feel any better, he didn’t tell anyone for a long time. Aunt Hen and Karen were the first to know, and that was 3 months after it actually happened. I think he wasn’t ready, but I also think he was going through the grieving process alone.”

“B-but he didn’t need to!” May says, her voice breaking.

Athena was at a loss on how to comfort her. Michael or Bobby are the ones that handled the emotions. Years of being a cop have shaped Athena to not acknowledge hers until she has privacy with Bobby or alone with a therapist. She looks over to Michael, who is watching in concern. He gets up and gently grabs May by the shoulders.

“Hey baby, let’s go talk outside, meanwhile mom can make you your favorite hot chocolate” Athena sends Michael a grateful look after he closes the patio door. Athena wipes her stray tear as she busies herself in the kitchen.

“She’s so little,” Harry says as he gently sits down by the bed, watching Thea as she sleeps.

“You were that little once”

“What? No way”

“You want me to pull out the baby picture album?” Athena says and smiles at Harry’s face.

“No!”

{~}{~}

Buck is rushing through his morning routine as he woke up late. He sees Thea drinking her milk as he haphazardly tries to pack Thea’s bag when he hears a knock at the door. He rushes over to open it without seeing who it is.

“Hey Buck…”

“Chim?” Buck asks in surprise, not at all expecting him to be at the door.

“What are you doing here? Not that I’m not happy to see you or anything, but I’m running late. Thea was sick last night, and I slept through my alarm. So if you need something, talk while I panic” Buck says in a rushed voice, groaning at the fact that Thea is laughing at her dad running around. Buck smiles at her clapping and laughing but it drops when Thea spits up on her clothes.

“Oh no! I just got you dressed,” Buck says as he grabs his watch and puts it on.

“Buck..if you want, I can take care of her. My shift starts in about 3 hours, I can get her dressed and drop her off at daycare…if you want to at least” Chim offers and it has Buck freezing for a second, but he relents.

“Are you sure? I can’t inconvenience you like that Chim”

“I honestly don’t mind Buck, I guess…hope actually that this can be something I can do”

“For what?” Buck asks as he puts on his watch.

“I know I wasn’t there for you…for a while I guess. I remember you were there when I had the rebar and the stabbing after Doug…but one of my biggest regrets was not being there for you after the explosion. This might be almost a year too late, but I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you. You’ve been there for me since the beginning and I-“

“Chim as much as I’ve been wanting to hear this for a long time…I’m super late. If you want to stay, then please get her dressed, everything is in her room, and get her to the daycare center. I’ll text you the address from the car ok?”

“Buck I’m-“

“I know you can do this. Besides its practice for later”

“Later?”

“I see how serious you are about Maddie, and I know you all have a future together. She’s always wanted kids, except now she knows she’s safe to have a family. So here’s a practice baby…but please keep her safe. She’s all I have left of Angie.”

“I will Buck, I promise,” Chim says as he goes over to pick up Thea as she’s crawling away.

“Thank you…see you later at the station,” Buck says as he runs out of the door.

{~}{~}

“Buck? You-“

“I know I know, I’m late, I’m sorry. My alarm didn’t go off and Thea threw up on herself at the last minute and-“

“Buck, relax it’s ok. Chim already texted me and told me everything, you’re fine, just go punch in and come back up for breakfast” Bobby says as he turns away from Buck to finish in the kitchen. He doesn’t move for a while until he is startled out of his thoughts by Hen.

“You ok over there?” Hen asks from the locker room.

“What the hell just happened?” Buck asks, shaking himself out of his state of unmoving.

“It looks like Bobby is trying to make amends…” Hen says as Buck comes into the locker room.

“…I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that”

“Is Thea ok? Heard she got a little sick this morning” Hen asks, changing the subject.

“It was just some spit-up, but I kinda panicked because I was running late.”

“As long as she’s ok”

“I trust Chim, he just needs to change her clothes”

“Dear lord, Chim has the worst fashion sense ever. And you trust him to dress your daughter?”

“Come on, he’s not that bad-“

“He thought a yellow dress with brown flowers was pretty”

“Oh no” Buck then pulls out his phone to text Chim. He gets a notification after a moment and he sighs in relief at the outfit that he chose. He shows Hen the picture of Thea wearing a white shirt with gray [overalls,](https://www.target.com/p/baby-top-bottom-set-cat-jack-cream-gray/-/A-54563974?preselect=76156338#lnk=sametab) a pair of white shoes and a white bow in her hair. 

“Not bad…I think he’s learning” Hen says, impressed with his choice of fashion.

“Now all he needs to do is drop her off at daycare,” Buck says, sighing as he takes a seat at the bench.

“It’s not easy being a single parent is it?” Hen asks, a knowing look in her eyes.

“No…does it ever get easier?” Buck asks as he buttons his uniform.

“You eventually get the hang of it…but I didn’t for the longest time. And when I met Karen, she had to understand that I had to put Denny first…but she understood. And once I let her in, it got easier with her.”

“I see…” buck says, looking down as he sighs deeply. Hen frowns, knowing exactly what he’s thinking.

“Oh Buck, look at me” Hen says gently as she kneels down to his level, who looks up when she touches his chin. “You may not have a partner like I have Karen, but you have something I didn’t. You have us. You have Karen and I, Athena, Michael, their kids, and when you tell you sister, you’ll have her too. And maybe you’ll have Eddie. You aren’t alone in this ok? I know it feels bad some days, that you want to stay in bed and not come out. But that’s why you have us, if there ever comes a day, where you just want to stay in bed to grieve, just call us. We’ll take care of Thea, you don’t have to mourn alone…ok?” Hen says and Buck stares for a moment before nodding silently, a few tears making their way out of his eyes.

“Sorry-“ Buck says before wiping them away, “I think I needed to hear that”

{~}{~}

Buck is tidying up around the house when he hears a knock at the door. He sighs because he knows who is at the door, but he’s shouldn’t be afraid, he knows them. He takes a deep breath before opening the door, seeing Maddie on the other side.

“Hey Buck”

“Hey Maddie” Buck says before stepping aside to let her in. Thea is taking a nap in her room, and by the time he is done, she’ll be awake. Maddie follows him into the kitchen and sits down at the dining table.

“I’m really glad you called, I haven’t seen you in a while…and I know that’s on me because of my situation with Tara.”

“I understand, you were going through something…” Buck trails off and looks away, fiddling with his thumbs.

_When did things become so awkward between them?_

“Buck? It’s just me…you can tell me anything” Maddie encourages and Buck sighs as he looks away again.

“I haven’t been entirely truthful with you Maddie” Buck admits after a moment of contemplating on what to say.

“Is this about the house?” She gestures around her vaguely. “It’s nice, when did you get it?” Maddie asks, wanting to know more, but Buck needs to take it slow, or else everything will come out at once.

“I will explain everything soon…just, I need to take it slow. This isn’t easy for me to talk about, no matter how many times I try, it won’t get easier. So please, bear with me?” Buck hates that he already feels the tears welling up in his eyes. He forces them back, now is not the time. Maddie nods when she sees how serious this is.

“It all started 5 months ago…” Buck then dives deep into everything he’s been through for the past few months. Angela’s diagnosis, the real reason for the lawsuit, raising Thea alone…all of it, and Maddie listens to every word.

“When did you meet her? Angela I mean?” Buck sighs, he knew this was going to be a question.

“About 2 months after you left”

“Why didn’t you tell me about her?”

“I don’t know…maybe I thought you would blame yourself for leaving and I didn’t want to hear it anymore. Maybe I just wanted to keep her separate from my other life, to just have someone that wasn’t involved with work. I honestly don’t know” Buck says and Maddie nods.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I don’t know” Buck admits.

“I would have been there for you”

“I know you would have…I just wasn’t ready to tell you, or anyone to be honest. I’m still processing her death, she’s been with me for the longest time and it’s hard to know that she’s gone. I’m doing the best I can for her…but I don’t know if what I’m doing is the right thing. I just wish she was here” Buck says as he releases a breath that is accompanied by tears. Maddie lets go of his hand as she comes around the table to hug him.

“I’m so sorry you had to go through this alone,” Maddie says as Buck cries into her chest, just like he used to when they were little. Maddie runs her fingers through his hair, knowing that it’s the best way to calm Buck down from a panic attack.

“I’m here…” Maddie whispers as Buck sobs. Using a tissue, Maddie gently wipes the tears off of Buck’s face. “It’s ok bubba, it’s ok” Buck is surprised to hear the nickname, she hadn’t called him that since he was a kid.

“It feels so bad…crying so much” Buck sniffs and Maddie hugs him closer.

“I know it does…but it’s ok to feel this way.”

“Why did she have to go?” Buck asks out-loud. It’s a question that’s been tossing around in his head for a long time. Why of all people did she have to go?

_Why do bad things happen to good people?_

_“_ I don’t know Evan…but there is one thing I know” Maddie pulls back to put her hands on his shoulders, “Once you meet someone, you never truly forget them, and I may not have ever met her, but I do know that she’ll be with you no matter what. She’ll always be right here” Maddie says as she puts a hand over his heart.

“I miss her so much,” Buck says as one last tear makes its way down his face. Maddie smiles sadly as she lets go for a moment to retrieve a blanket and wrap it around him.

“Thanks Maddie” Buck says as he wipes his face.

“Of course bubba, I’m here for you” Maddie says, regret taking form in her body language. “I’m sorry that I wasn’t there for you. That you couldn’t come to me for this, I know we don’t say it often but I love you Buck, I always have.” Buck smiles as he looks down for a second, he then shrugs.

“I love you too” Buck says and Maddie puts her hand over his.

“I know I’ve let you down-“

“Maddie” She squeezes his hand to say she’s not finished.

“I haven’t been there for you for a long time, ever since your accident. But if you’ll have me, I promise to be someone you can depend on no matter what” Maddie says and for a moment, is afraid that Buck won’t say anything. That he doesn’t want her back in his life, but she sighs in relief when Buck smiles.

“Of course I want you in my life Maddie, you’re my big sister. Always have been, besides, I think it’s time that Thea met her aunt” Buck says and Maddie finds herself tearing up at this.

“I can’t believe it…I have a niece” Maddie says and Buck is about to show her a picture, but the action is interrupted when Thea starts crying. Maddie gets up at the same time that Buck does.

“If you want, you can get her”

“Really?” Maddie asks and goes into Thea’s room when Buck nods. He sighs as he gets another text message from Eddie, he unlocks his phone and sees the whole message before sighing, typing out a response.

_Eddie: **Can we talk, please?**_

_Eddie: **There’s so much I need to say to you**_

_Eddie: **I’m sorry**_

_Me: **When and where?**_

_Eddie **: Up to you**_

_Me **: My house, tomorrow**_

_Eddie **: Can Christopher come? He wants to see you**_

_Me **: He’s always welcome**_

* * *

Not where I wanted to leave off, but I wanted to get this out ASAP. 

Thanks for reading! Feel Free to comment!

Come visit me on my [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/chitownwolf)!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This can be considered important filler...but it's the calm before the storm...

Thea tilted her head in confusion as Buck paced the living room for the 4th time in half an hour. Eddie is supposed to come over soon and Buck has never been more nervous in his entire life. He knows that they need to talk and he knows that this may make or break them, but he also knows that he wants to do this. If he’s being honest, a small part of him really missed his best friend. And he’s heard through the grapevine of Hen and Chim that he’s been going to therapy. He knows that it was mandatory because of the fighting, but he hopes that Eddie is doing better. He hasn’t talked to him in almost a month, but he thinks that this time apart may have done them some good.

_There’s a knock at the door and Buck’s anxiety instantly spikes._

He takes a few deep breaths and tries to calm himself by grabbing Thea and putting her in her playpen. He smiles as she claps and begins to play with her toys. Buck stands in front of the door, his hand gripping the handle tightly, he takes a deep breath before throwing caution to the wind and he opens the door. He sees Eddie standing on the other side with a sleeping Christopher in his arms.

“Hey Buck” Eddie says after a moment of silence and Buck shakes out of his frozen state.

“Hey Eddie” Buck says and stands to the side to let him in. Eddie walks into the house and Buck can see that he is holding himself back from looking around the house. He stops when he gets to Thea’s playpen, and he watches her for a moment. Since his back is to him, he can’t see Eddie’s facial expression, but Eddie seems to be watching Thea as she plays and throws her toys around in her playpen. Eddie then gently places Christopher on the couch next to him before following Buck into the kitchen.

“Um-thanks for having us over” Eddie says wringing his hands together.

“It’s no trouble, you want something to drink?” Buck offers some decaf coffee and Eddie takes his mug without saying too much. They sit in the kitchen and they both find themselves unable to say anything. The silence is too much, but neither one of them know how to break it.

_They don’t even know what to say_

So Buck is the first to say something, and he finds that it should be something that is easy, the middle ground if you will…

“So…how have you been?” Buck asks and Eddie can feel a little bit of tension seep out of him at the simple question.

“Honestly? Weird…Bobby suspended me, which you know. I’ve been suspended for 3 months and next week marks one month…he mandated that I go to therapy with Frank…”

“And have you? Gone to him?”

“Yes and no…I’ve gone to therapy, but not with Frank. If I was really going to go through with therapy…and I did, still do. It had to be someone who knows what it’s like to be in my situation. When I came back, the VA sent me info on local therapists and group therapies”

“Has it been helping?” Buck asks, knowing that one day he needs to go himself. Even though he’s been mourning Angie, he still feels like he just lost her. He knows that there is no right way to grieve, but he feels stuck…and he knows he can’t deal with this stuff on his own anymore. He needs someone to lean on, even if Eddie and him become friends again, he needs someone with an outside perspective.

“It has…as much as I hate to admit it. It really has. It seems like this whole thing could have been avoided if I went earlier…but I couldn’t.”

“Because you were raised with the stigma that therapy is bad?”

“Yea...pretty much” Buck nods at the response, looking down after another moment of awkward silence. “And it took me a long time to realize that I haven’t been fair to you at all and-“

“Eddie we don’t need to-“

“Please…I need to say this to you. And when I’m done, you can decide if you still want me in your life. I’ll respect your decision no matter what, but I do need to say this, if you’re willing to listen.” Eddie says, finally looking up at Buck. A multitude of emotions pay through Buck’s eyes before he sighs and nods.

“Ok” Eddie lets out a breath of relief before clearing his throat.

{~}{~}

After almost an hour of talking back and forth about their mistakes with each other, Buck feels a little bit better of their situation. But there’s still the whole issue of Angie hanging around in the air. Eddie puts his empty cup in the sink before turning around to face Buck, who is looking down. Eddie hesitates before stepping in front of him, who looks up in confusion.

“I’m sorry about Angie-“

“Eddie-“

“Buck, I wasn’t there for you when you lost her. I thought she was-“

“Eddie, you are treading on some real thin ice here” his voice breaks as he steps back. Trying not to cry, knowing he may not stop once he starts.

“Right…sorry. I didn’t mean to step on any sore spots.” Eddie sighs as he sits back on the chair.

“I’m not ready to talk about her…because if I-I do, then it means I’m moving on. A-and I don’t want to to forget her” Buck says as he wipes away the tears that are trying to come out of his eyes. He looks up and sees that Eddie has his arms open for Buck, who doesn’t hesitate to lean into them. He shudders when he feels Eddie engulf him, it’s been so long since Eddie has touched him in any way, shape or form. It feels so good to have his arms around him.

“You won’t forget her” Eddie says “I promise”

“How do you know?”

“Because I know how you feel” and Buck knows what he’s implying.

“Eddie-“

“No please listen to me, I know you’re afraid of forgetting her, but you won’t. You know why?”

“…Why?” Buck asks as Eddie pulls back to gently wipe the tears back.

“Because all you have to do is take one look at your baby in the other room, and you’ll see her.”

“Thea is all I have left of her”

“I know Buck…just like Christopher is all I have left of Shannon”

“Eddie-“

“I know it’s not the same, but I know what it’s like to lose the mother of your child…even though Angie wasn’t your wife, I know how you feel” Eddie says softly, wiping the tears that Buck is trying his hardest to contain. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when Angie died. You were there for me through everything…an-and I wasn’t there for you. You needed someone to lean on and…where was I?”

“You were going through something on your own...and I was scared to tell anyone. I never introduced her to anyone from the team, it’s always just been us since we left Hershey…” Eddie looks back to make sure Christopher is still asleep before pulling Buck outside to the backyard deck, still in view of the living room.

“You can keep going…if you want” Eddie suggests softly, but Buck shakes his head.

“N-no”

“Buck…it’s ok, you can-“

“N-no I can’t”

“Yes you can”

“No” Buck says as more tears build in his eyes.

“Why not?”

“I don’t want to talk to you about Angie right now…I-I can’t forgive you on what you said about her”

“Buck-“

“You told me I was exhausting…” Buck says as tears slip out. He takes a second to fall onto the couch on the patio to wipe his tears. He doesn’t see Eddie’s face fall.

“Buck…“ Eddie says in a voice full of regret, Buck can hear it, but he can’t bring himself to feel anything at this.

“Don’t” he says firmly when he sees Eddie approach him. “Please…”

“Buck…I’m so sorry”

“Sorry doesn’t fix what you said. I keep hearing every single thing you’ve said to me”

“I-I didn’t…I-I wasn’t trying to-…I’d give anything-“ Eddie struggles to start, but Buck cuts him off again.

“Do you remember what you said to me?”

_“Because you’re exhausting! We all have our own problems but you don’t see us whining about it. Somehow we just manage to suck it up…why can’t you?”_

_“So this girlfriend is more important to you than me-my son?!”_

_“Cause that’s all you see!”_

_“Chris is the one you should be thinking about! You know how much he misses you?”_

“Buck…” said person looks up and he sees Eddie fidgeting with his hands as he struggles to speak. His eyes and face are red from angry tears, mostly at himself.

“Did you ask?”

“What?”

“Did you ask me…once through out this whole thing, did you ask me who Angie honestly was?”

“No” Eddie says, ashamed for his actions.

“Exactly...you didn’t even give me a chance. You just assumed...”

“I would have stopped...if you told me”

“I wasn’t ready...I was losing more of her everyday. I just wanted to spend as much time as I could with her”

“So that day in the store-“

“She was getting the second half of her hysterectomy, she asked me to go do her grocery shopping”

“Buck-“

“She knew” Buck’s voice breaks. “S-she knew she wasn’t going to make it and s-she d-didn’t want me to be there”

“She probably just wanted you to not experience that” Eddie suggests hesitantly and Buck laughs bitterly.

“She was always like that, looking out for others, but never herself. I had to remind her to eat or drink water sometimes, she was always so busy with work. But she was always there for me no matter what”

“She sounded lovely” Eddie says, taking a step forward.

“She was…but Thea is everything I have left of her. This house, everything in here reminds me of her. There isn’t a single inch of this house that doesn’t have a memory of us doing something. Her ukulele in the corner hasn’t been touched, this camera has all of her recordings of her songs in it. Her bonsai tree was a plant she was so proud of, her only necklace is in this box and…” Buck stops when he sees it.

“Buck?”

“Eddie…meet Angie” Buck says pointing to the urn on the mantel of the fireplace. Eddie doesn’t know what to say, because what is he supposed to say in this situation?

“Buck…”

“Only a few of her coworkers came to her funeral…her parents didn’t even show up” Buck says angrily through tears. “I-I was supposed to give a speech…but I couldn’t do it.” Buck says as he breaks down again, this time Eddie catches him.

“It’s not your fault” Eddie says softly enough that Buck can almost believe it. Buck tries to push Eddie away, but Eddie simply hugs Buck tighter, who eventually succumbs to it. He grips Eddie’s shirt hard, leaving wrinkles and imprints.

“I’m sorry”

“Eddie-“

“I’m sorry” Eddie says, his voice breaking just a little. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you. You were there for me at Shannon’s funeral and-“

“It’s not the same, Shannon was your wife”

“Angie was important to you too. I should have been there”

“I didn’t tell anyone”

“I would have dropped everything to be there for you…I swear I would have” Eddie says as Buck pulls back. He sniffs as Eddie gently wipes the tears away, not wanting to irate Buck’s skin. Eddie doesn’t take his hand away and Buck sniffs and sighs into the palm of Eddie’s hand. He covers the hand with his own and before sliding it off his face, but not letting go of the hand.

“Buck…there’s something else I need to tell you”

“Y-yea?”

“M-my therapist helped me realized why I was behaving towards you during the whole lawsuit.”

“Eddie-“

“Buck…after everything, I lo-“

“Don’t! Please don’t” Buck says harshly, but his voice breaks at the end.

“Buck” Eddie practically pleads but Buck shakes his head. “I thought you felt the same…” he says detectably.

“I do…” Buck says and Eddie’s head shoots up.

“What?”

“Of course I do. How can I not? But Eddie…I can’t” Buck says as more tears leak out of his eyes.

“Y-you’re right…you have too much going on right now and-“

“Not that…I-I just can’t get what you said out of my head…”

“Buck-“

“I know I hurt you when I filed the lawsuit, and I’m sorry”

“I know you had to do it. If I had known…I would have supported you”

“I know…”

“But?”

“But do you know how much your words hurt me?”

“Buck…y-you’re right. I didn’t mean to hurt you…I-I was just being stupid”

“I don’t think you’re stupid!” Buck says emotionally.

“I-I’m sorry” Eddie says in sorrow, placing his hand on the side of Buck’s face. He sighs in a little relief that Eddie’s hands are cold, which feels nice against his flushed skin.

“I know you didn’t mean them…but that doesn’t mean-“

“It hurts any less. Evan-“ Buck’s breath hitches when he hears his first name. “-I screwed up, I feel awful for hurting you like that. But I can’t lie…you’re my best friend”

“Eddie-“

“And I am in love with you. And if you give me one…even half a chance, I’ll show you just how much I love you, and how important you are to us. And how sorry I am” Eddie says and he fears he messed everything up when Buck doesn’t respond. He looks up and sees Buck pondering something.

“Forgive me Angie…I can’t believe I’m doing this” Eddie hears but he knows it wasn’t meant for him. “Ok” Buck says, this time to him.

“Y-you really mean it?”

“Yes…and while I trust you with my life at work…i-it’s just different outside of work”

"I know I can't do it overnight, and that it's going to be a long time until you can trust me again. But I want to keep you in my life, Christopher loves you so much, and I know you love him too."

“I do…all three of you”

"We can take things one day at a time. I’ll give you all the time you need”

“Thank you Eddie”

“C-can I?” Buck nods and then he’s completely hidden in Eddie’s arms.

“I won’t give up on us…no matter what”

“Then I won’t either…” Buck says, his tears finally drying. He shoots up when he something from the living room. They both scramble to the living room when they hear crying. When they enter, they both stop at the sight that greets them. Chris is sitting with his legs crossed inside Thea’s playpen, holding her.

“It’s ok, you’re ok. It’s alright” Chris says softly and Thea stops crying stops almost instantly. She opts for looking at the stranger holding her. “Hi there” Chris says smiling down.

“Hi dad, hi Buck” Chris says when he sees them in the doorway.

“Hi Chris”

“Is this your baby?”

“Yes Chris, this is Theodosia Caplan”

“Where did she come from?” Chris asks as Thea grabs at her stuffy. Eddie is about to answer but sits down in front of the kids.

“Do you remember a while ago, I told you about a friend who’s really sick?” Chris nods and Buck sighs, it doesn’t get any easier. “Well…she was Thea’s mom, and she didn’t get any better. So now I’m her dad” Chris nods after a moment before carefully putting Thea down and scooting over to give Buck a hug.

“I’m sorry about your friend Buck” Chris says, sounding so sympathetic for someone so young.

“Thanks buddy” Buck says honestly, and he feels hands on his face when he sheds more tears.

“It’s gonna be ok kid,” Chris says before giving him a hug. Buck sighs before hugging Chris back. Soon he’s engulfed in both arms of the Diaz’s, Eddie hugging him from behind. They stay like that for a second before hearing a cry from beside them. He looks up and sees Thea upset at not being included.

“Sorry little love,” Buck says before reaching forward and pulling her into his lap.

_Buck hates to admit it, but it almost feels like...they can be a family_

* * *

Thanks for reading! Feel Free to comment!  
  
Come visit me on my [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/chitownwolf)!

I'm so sorry this is so late, college with imposters syndrome and confronting my trauma after almost 18 years is REALLY kicking my ass! So plz be patient with me.Ideas are always welcome!!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for what you're about to read

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is so late! College finals can be a total bitch

_Something is going to happen…_

Buck doesn’t know what…but he feels a sense of unease that something bad is going to happen…maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow, but something will happen. But he tries to push those thoughts away as he drops Thea off at daycare.

“See you tonight sweetie, I love you” Buck says as he kissed her on the forehead, smiling when she babbles in response. She’s become more talkative lately, and even though she can’t say a lot of words, she’s slowly learning. He shuts the door of the daycare center and watches fondly as Thea crawls to the playpen and starts throwing the small foam blocks. He turns to leave but accidentally bumps into an older woman.

“Oh sorry, didn’t see you there ma’am” Buck says quickly, grabbing the purse that fell and hands it to her.

“That’s ok, accidents happen. I was just coming to see my granddaughter”

“Oh that’s nice, I have to get to work, sorry again about bumping into you”

“That’s ok Evan, you stay safe” Buck rushes to his car in order to get to work on time. It’s not until he’s halfway to work;

_How did she know his name?_

{~}{~}

_Eddie invites Buck over to resume movie night._

“I-it’s just that…Chris missed you and so do I. And I would really love it if you came over Saturday…the both of you I mean” Eddie clarifies as Buck puts Thea in her crib and stared at her for a moment.

“Ok, we’ll be there” Buck says after a moment and Eddie sighs in relief. He quietly follows Buck out of the room, try not to wake the baby. They go to the kitchen and see Chris eating a snack.

“I’ll be there on Saturday bud” Buck says and Chris lights up at this. Buck smiles back, but he sits down in front of Chris to talk to him. Buck gives Eddie a look, and he nods.

“I don’t know about you two, but I’m getting hungry. How does pizza sound?” They both shout in agreement but then Eddie shushes them both, pointing to Thea’s room. Chris giggles quietly and Eddie leaves the house.

“Looks like it’s just you and me buddy” Buck says and Chris smiles in excitement, but he knows he has to talk to him. “Hey Chris, can I please talk to you about something?”

“Sure Buck” Chris nods in equal seriousness.

“I want to say that I’m sorry I stayed away for a long time.”

“It’s ok Buck, I know you were sad about your friend.”

“I still should have explained what was happening. I wasn’t a good friend, and I’m sorry” Buck says sincerely and Chris simply leans forward to fall into Buck’s arms.

“You don’t need to be sorry Buck, I understand, y-you weren’t ready to tell me right?”

“No I wasn’t, but it wasn’t because I didn’t trust you. I didn’t want you to worry about me, that’s not your job. It’s not ok? That’s my job” Chris nods.

“I missed you Bucky” Chris says and Buck hugs him tighter.

“I missed you too Chris, so much”

“I’m glad Thea is here with us”

“I’m glad too kid. I promise I won’t go away again”

“Good”

{~}{~}

Something was missing for a long time, but when Saturday came around, Eddie figured out what it was.

It was Buck

The familiarity of being a complete unit, Eddie didn’t know he was missing it until it came back to him. He didn’t think that he would have so much luck when he first moved to LA to find a friend like Buck. And when Chris was just as smitten with him as he was, he knew that they could create something new. But after everything, he was so scared that it would be gone forever. Especially after how mean and insensitive he was to Buck’s friend. He thought that he would never have the chance to make it up to his son and Buck. And he knows that it’s going to take a while until Buck forgives him…if he ever fully and truly does.

He missed a big portion of Buck’s life when he became a father. He hopes that he doesn’t have to miss anymore. And he hopes that Buck trusts him with his daughter, just like he trusts him with Chris.

Which brings him back to what has him thinking so hard. Chris is on the couch, playing with Thea as Buck laughs at their antics. Chris holds his hands out and Thea stares at them for a second, not knowing what to do. So Chris holds them out to Buck, who gives him a low five. Thea laughs and does the same thing when Chris holds out his hands again.

Eddie is startled out of this train of thought when he sees Buck coming into the kitchen.

“Everything ok? You’ve been in here for a while”

“I’m good. Just really glad you both came” Eddie says but regrets it when he sees Buck’s face.

“I…um…thanks”

“Buck…what is it?”

“I came for Chris…I missed him a lot”

“Oh…” Eddie says, trying to hide the disappointment.

“I know it’s not what you wanted to hear but…”

“You still don’t trust me…” Eddie says, knowing it’s only been a few days since they talked.

“Just waiting for the other shoe to drop I guess…”

“It won’t”

“I believe that in my mind…but as a feeling? I’m sorry Eddie…but I just can’t trust that you won’t do that again” It doesn’t take a genius to know what Buck was talking about.

“I’m sorry…I know I keep saying that. But it’s true, and I mean it. I know you won’t forgive me over night, and you don’t trust me. I have no right to ask this of you, but do you think you can…maybe give me a chance to trust me? I know that doesn’t make sense…and even saying it outlaid is confusing. But after everything we’ve been through together, before all this, I mean, do you think you can trust me, just a little? I lost you once, I can’t and won’t do it again.”

“Eddie I-“

“I know it’s asking a lot but please…stay with me“ Eddie stops as he reaches out a hand, silently pleading that Buck takes it. Eddie’s heart starts to race when Buck continues to stare at it for far too long. He lets out a sad breath before he starts to lower it, he fears that Buck won’t give him the chance. He might have said yes last time, but maybe he changed his mind.

_Or maybe not_

Buck lets out a shaky breath before he lifts his hand and slowly intertwines it with Eddie’s, who instantly clamps both hands over Buck’s.

“Ok Eddie…I’m with you. But-“

“…But what?”

“Be patient with me…almost everyone has talked to me, and I trust them with Thea. But it doesn’t erase everything…I’m still so scared that it’s all a lie. That you and the others are only doing this to make yourselves feel better, and when you do, you’ll leave again.”

“That’s not going to happen”

“But you don’t know that”

“…You’re right I don’t know about the others. But I’m not leaving, not when I just got you back”

“Eddie-“

“I’m serious Buck, I almost lost you too many times, and I should have said something then. But I was so scared, and I’m still scared. But I’m more scared of losing you before I can even be with you, so I’m done running. But you can take as much time as you need, I’m still going to be here”

“What if I’m never ready?” That thought had crossed Eddie’s mind more than he cared to admit, but he hopes that it’s just fear speaking. But Eddie knows that he’ll be ok as long as Buck stays his friend.

“Then I’ll still be here” Eddie says and Buck sighs before nodding.

“Ok…”

“You wanna get back in there?” Eddie asks and Buck nods, going in the direction of the bathroom.

_That’s when they hear a shout_

Buck and Eddie whip their heads to where the kids are sitting and to their horror, Thea’s upper body is teetering over the edge of the couch. Chris can’t reach forward fast enough and they can see the fear in his eyes.

They don’t know how, but in a blink of an eye, they reach the couch. Even though neither of them were by the couch, they reach it right before Thea’s head hits the ground. Buck’s body is over the couch, barely grabbing onto the baby’s leg while Eddie has his huge hands wrapped around her head, protecting it from hitting the ground.

“You got her?” Buck asks after a few seconds of tense silence.

“Y-yea I got her” Eddie says, panting from adrenaline. Buck slowly lets go of her leg as Eddie sits on the floor, bringing her into his arms, trying to calm her down. She began to cry the second she was falling from the couch. After all the sudden commotion, it’s too much for her to process and she got overwhelmed.

“It’s ok bebesita, you’re ok” Eddie reassures as he makes quiet shushing noises, after a moment she begins to calm. Buck slides next to him, checking her.

“Is she ok?”

“Not a single scratch. She’s ok” Buck lets out a sigh of relief and finds himself looking up at Chris, who is making himself small in the corner of the couch, hiding behind a pillow.

“I’m sorry…it was an accident.”

“Chris-“

“I didn’t mean it, I didn’t mean to look away…” Chris cries out regretfully and Buck frowns.

“It’s ok kiddo, come here” Buck holds his arms out, but Chris shakes his head. “I promise I’m not mad, neither is your dad. Come here, it’s ok” Chris sniffs as he slowly makes his way over to the edge. Buck carefully helps Chris down from the couch and sits him in between the three of them.

“I’m sorry”

“It’s ok Chris, these things just happen sometimes. We’re not mad” Buck says reassuringly as Chris cries into his shoulder. Eddie looks sadly at Chris as he puts a hand on Chris’ back, reassuring him it was an accident. Thea then lets out a screech as she reaches for Chris, distressed that her friend is sad.

“Chris…Thea is asking for you. It’s ok” Eddie says as he turns her around in his lap. Chris wipes his tears as he turns around to look at Thea.

“I’m sorry Thea” Chris says regretfully, but she is still reaching out to him. Eddie picks up Thea and places her in Chris’s open arms, who instantly calms. “It was an accident”

“She knows that mijo, she was just sad because you were sad” Eddie says reassuringly, placing a kiss on top of Chris’ head before involuntarily kissing Thea’s. He looks at Buck in alarm, afraid that he overstepped but he had a look of fondness. Chris then hugs Thea close, before being engulfed in Buck’s arms.

“You’re ok kids, it’s ok” Buck says softly and Eddie can’t help but join the pile. He’s about to take his arm off of Buck when he feels him tense, but Buck wraps his arm around Eddie.

_They’re ok_

{~}{~}

“I know you’re upset Thea, it’s ok” Buck says as Thea continues to scream. Buck has tried everything that he knows, he even played Angie’s voice, but that didn’t even help. He hears a knock at the door and he yells that the door is open. Maddie and Eddie walk in and sees the mess inside.

“What’s going on?” Eddie asks as he starts pick up the toys around Buck.

“She won’t stop crying, I don’t know why. I can’t get her to stop” Buck says, frustrated at his inability to help Thea seeping through. Maddie and Eddie share a look before going into the kitchen, telling Buck they will be right back. Thea keeps kicking her legs and waving her arms in frustration, her crying keeps getting louder.

“I don’t know how to help you, sweetie,” Buck says honestly and Thea cries louder.

“Here, can I take her?” Eddie asks, returning from the kitchen and Buck hands her to him. “You sit and take a breath for me ok?” Eddie gently places a kiss on Buck’s cheek before taking her into the kitchen. Not a moment later the crying stops. Eddie brings Thea back into the living room before setting her down as she’s sucking on a metal spoon.

“W-what happened?”

“She’s teething,” Maddie says as she squeezes some teething gel onto her pinky and rubs it along Thea’s gums, who looks more relaxed than she was a few moments ago.

“I-I never even thought of that” Buck sinks into the couch before rubbing the wetness out of his eyes. He feels an arm around him and he knows it’s Eddie.

“Are you ok?” Eddie asks and Buck shakes his head.

“Talk to us Evan, we’re here” Maddie says sitting on the other side of him.

“I thought I was failing her…I couldn’t get her to stop crying no matter what I did”

“It doesn’t mean you failed, and it doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent. It’s ok to not know what the baby wants” Maddie says as Eddie leaves his side to help clean up the house.

“I-I just-“ Buck tries to say but can’t through the burning of his eyes. He feels Maddie squeeze him closer as Thea continues to suck on the spoon.

“It’s going to be ok”

{~}{~}

With Maddie going back home, Buck and Eddie are left to clean up the mess in the house.

“Eddie, you don’t have to stay” Buck says as he’s sweeping.

“I know…but I want to, I like being here with you both” Eddie says honestly as he’s picking up Thea’s toys, laughing as she keeps trying to reach them. A purple and black ball rolls out of the bin and Eddie is about to put it back, but he watches as Thea tries to roll forward from her back. He smiles when she flips onto her stomach and crawls after the ball. He can’t resist pulling out his phone to record Buck roll the ball back to her as she crawls after it.

It isn’t too long until Thea is yawning and rubbing her eyes. Buck smiles as he picks her up and takes her into her room. He gently cradles her head as he lays her down in her bed and pulls Angie’s blanket over her small frame before putting her stuffed giraffe next to her. He takes a second to watch her sleep, the feeling of before coming back in the safety of the dark room.

Haru had told him that she had been fussy all day, and it’s to be expected because she’s going to be nine months soon and is growing up _way too fast._ But he said he could handle it because she said she did want to go down for her nap. Even on the way home, Thea kept crying, and in desperation, he called Eddie and Maddie for help. He never even thought that she could be teething, he thought he did something wrong.

_He wished he could be better_

_He wished he knew what he was doing_

_He wished Angie was here_

Buck’s legs grow weak as he slowly kneels to the ground and leans his head against the crib. He feels a few tears threatening to leak out of his eyes when he feels two arms engulf him from behind.

“It’s ok Buck, I’m here” Eddie says softly as he nuzzles the back of his neck. Buck almost falls apart at this, but Eddie gently pulls him to his feet and leads him out of the room. The second he gets seated on the couch, he lets it all go. Eddie is holding him close, gently running a hand up and down his back.

“I-I thought-“ Buck tries to speak but it fails to come out. Eddie holds him tighter before throwing caution to the wind and kissing Buck on the forehead, who stills at this before leaning into it. “I thought I was failing…I didn’t know how to calm her down”

“You didn’t fail her Buck”

“But-“

“You’re doing a good job” this makes Buck freeze.

“What?”

“I said you’re doing a good job” Eddie repeats softly.

“Eddie-“ he repeats his last sentence and Buck quiets at this.

“H-how-“ Eddie pulls back before looking down.

“After Shannon left…all I wanted was for someone to tell me I was doing a good job with Chris. I may not know what you’re going through, but I know what it’s like to lose the mom of your baby. And I know I wasn’t there for you before…but I promise to be here now. I hope it’s not too late?” Eddie asks with hesitation and doubt, and it grows until Buck nods.

“No...I-its not too late Eddie” Buck says in an honest manner.

“You really mean it?”

“I want you to stay…” Eddie smiles softly

“Thank you…”

“B-but I’m still so sad that I lost someone I can never get back”

“I know” Eddie says, his voice hitching.

“Does it ever get easier?” Eddie squeezes him closer.

“It’s a little different for the both of us…but sometimes there will be bad days. And I know I wasn’t there for you at the beginning, but I promise I’ll be there for you then”

“Same here Eddie” Buck says, finally wrapping his arms around him.

“It’s different for me though…I fell out of love with Shannon a long time ago. So I miss her in a different way than Chris does, but I regret not making things right with her. There are so many things that were left unresolved, things I thought I was ok with…but after everything, I guess I’m still not ok with things”

“Do you feel comfortable telling me now or later?”

“Soon…I guess I just need a little more time with Frank”

“Is he helping?”

“Yes…”

“But?”

“I still don’t like therapy, it’s hard for me to open up to a complete stranger. But after everything that happened between us-“

“Eddie-“ Buck is silenced when Eddie puts a hand on his face.

“I-I need to finish this…please?” Buck nods.

“After everything that’s happened between us, I realized that I hated the person I was becoming. And I want to be a better person for Chris and you. You both are so important to me, and I can’t lose you”

“You won’t lose Chris, you could never lose him”

“But I almost lost you” by this time, Buck had pulled himself out of Eddie’s embrace and is sitting back.

“It’s ok Eddie, really it is.”

“No Buck, it’s really not. What I said to you-“

_You’re exhausting_

_“_ I-I didn’t mean it” Eddie’s voice almost cracks at the guilt.

“Eddie-“

“I swear I didn’t mean it”

“Eddie? It’s ok. I have work in the morning, I’ll see you tomorrow or soon ok?” Buck says in a tone of finality.

“Buck-“ Eddie wants nothing more than to push the subject, but he knows that won’t get them anywhere. So he nods and packs up his things before heading out the door.

“Are we ok?” Eddie can’t help but asking and he knows the answer when Buck looks down instead of answering. And as much as it hurt, he knows this is just a bump in the long road of recovery. He can’t disregard Buck’s boundaries if he doesn’t want to lose him again.

“Buck? Call me if you need help with Thea again ok?” Eddie says instead and he feels relief when he sees some tension loosen in Buck’s shoulder as he nods. The soft closing of the door sounded like a slam, and Eddie can’t help but flinch.

{~}{~}

 _ **Buck: I’m sorry about last night, I just need to sort through a few things by myself first**_ is what Buck sends to Eddie in the morning.

_**Eddie: I get it, I’m here whenever you’re ready** _

Buck doesn’t respond to the text message as he gently slides a headband onto Thea’s head to push back her curls so it doesn’t get in her face.

“You have your mommy’s hair sweetie” Buck says as he Thea tries to clap the water slowly running down the facet. He gasps and smiles as she flicks water at him. “You’re gonna get it now” Buck says as he wets his index finger and boops her nose, smiling as she giggles rubs her nose.

“Angie! You have to-“ Buck cuts himself off when he realizes who he called out to.

_Sometimes he forgets that she’s gone_

_He’s scared that he’ll never be ok with the feeling that she’s gone forever._

“Dada?” Thea says and it instantly snaps him out of his state. He tearfully smiles as he picks her up and kisses her on her forehead before giving her an Eskimo kiss. He stops when she puts her hands on his face, he smiles even wider before peppering her face with kisses.

“Daddy loves you so much Thea” Buck says, trying not to tear up. He cradles the back of her head with his one hand and settles it against his shoulder. “And I promise, I’ll love you no matter what”

{~}{~}

_Things were going smoothly for the next week, but he knew his luck would run out eventually_

_He should have known that it would all come crashing down_

It started with a fire, and while that’s nothing new to his job. He knew it was going to be different because, on the way to the emergency, Bobby told the crew that there was a fire at a daycare center.

“Bobby? What’s the address of the daycare?” Buck asks reluctantly.

“1908 Fox Hills Dr. Why?”

_Buck felt his entire world stop_

“That’s Theodosia’s daycare”

* * *

I AM SO SORRY! I AM SO SORRY!

BUT THE STORM IS ONLY JUST BEGINNING!

Thanks for reading! Feel Free to comment!

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